Why aren’t Christian funerals a bit sadder?

Funerals of those who are not believers are, of course, the saddest events of all. They represent – however good a life the person has lived – a rejection of the saving power of Jesus (though we can never really know) and the prospect of an eternal punishment that every one of us deserves.

Few, if any, unbelievers would acknowledge such a destination, but the reality of death itself should be enough to make such occasions as sober as they could be. It is not altogether surprising that those without hope find ways to avoid such grief. So, out with ‘funerals’ and in with ‘celebration of life’.

Looking back on the good bits (and it’s nearly always only the good bits) allows a rather rose-tinted view of someone’s life and – importantly – dodges the biggest issue of all: death is rubbish. It’s painful; sad; emotional; heart-wrenching.

The ugly intruder

Christians – those who have most reason to be realistic about death – often end up doing the same. For sure, we have a hope that allows us to be positive. We know the reality of eternal life, not eternal punishment. We look forward to a future that is infinitely better than anything experienced in this life. And we are right to be thankful for what the Lord has done through someone’s life.

But such optimism should not prevent us from being sad. In fact, we owe it to the world to show that death is an ugly intruder into the world, brought about by our ancestor’s fall. Death and sin are inescapably linked. A gospel without the reality of death with all its associated ugliness is no gospel at all. What, after all, are we being saved from? It troubles me, therefore, that we seem unable to acknowledge that corporate grief has a place. Let it be private – perhaps a short family gathering in the local crem, before the rest of the guests are brought in

for an upbeat highlights revue of John or Julie’s life. Let’s sing their favourite songs! Let’s listen to their favourite poem!

Apostolic grief

Most Christians know Paul’s famous words to the Thessalonians: ‘We do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.’

It seems, however, that our current trend is to put a full stop after the word ‘grieve’. But Paul is not calling believers to give up on grief. Rather he is calling us to grieve a different way from the rest of the world, who cannot see what is to come. Anywhere you look in the Bible, grief is not a happy emotion – quite the opposite.

Personal experience

And such grief also serves a psychological purpose. Most people know that bottling up emotions does us no good whatsoever. And convincing ourselves that nothing sad has happened when someone dies is a sure-fire recipe for trouble later on. Instead, a Christian funeral allows that grief to be shared as we mourn together (Rom. 12.15).

I’ve taken a lot more funerals than I have weddings. The very best of them were those that didn’t try to recreate the atmosphere and celebration of a marriage. The very best of them acknowledged God’s goodness with sober thankfulness and looked forward to a better day, but also allowed Christians to weep together at the sadness of death, parting and emptiness that comes when God takes someone we love away from us.

That is Christian grief and it’s perhaps why Christian funerals need to be a bit sadder.