My church friend has become disabled: What do I do?

Disability affects 12 per cent of children, 25 per cent of working-age adults, and 45 per cent of people over State Pension age.

Many people in these figures will have been born with a disability, but the greater proportion of those with a disability have become disabled, due to either illness, a sudden medical event or an accident.

Reactions

People starting their journey of disability often face a lot of difficult things in their churches. Many of these are due to other people’s compassion and desire to make things better, others are due to a person’s need to “just say something”, even if it’s the wrong thing, and also the exact opposite—not knowing what to say, and so avoiding the newly disabled person.

Some of the comments that are meant to show care can range from suggesting things that might make them better, such as foods, not eating certain foods, types of exercise, and much more.

Then there’s the poor theology with Bible verses taken out of context, and of course the total weirdness that can happen when a person is faced with someone who has a disability. One of my friends was prayed for—to “remove the demon inside her”. She was born with cerebral palsy.

Becoming disabled can be a minefield to deal with, but thankfully there are a few who are loved and supported through this and will be wondering what I’m writing about!

Many people with hidden disabilities won’t say anything about it in church until they have to, because they dread “the comments”—real or perceived.

Grief

With the onset of disability, whether that be instant or a slow deterioration, there will be grief. The bereavement of having your health taken away is often not recognised, but it is very real. For me, one of the things I still grieve is not being able to walk hand in hand with my husband. Sometimes, those early days of being or becoming disabled can make the comments and misconceptions feel much harsher and more difficult to deal with.

For example, there’s a common misconception that using any sort of mobility aid is “giving up”. This could be felt by the disabled person themselves (often called “internalised ableism”) or shown in the comments of non-disabled people questioning their use. These reasons can often lead to people refusing to use mobility aids.

The reality of using a mobility aid is actually more to do with wanting the freedom to do more things and not making the disability worse by trying to “push through” pain and exhaustion.

I didn’t use a wheelchair in church for years after using one everywhere else—instead choosing to struggle using my walking stick. If you are someone currently going through this battle, learn from my mistakes; use the disability aid you need, whatever that might be!

If you are reading this as a disabled person ...

Every disabled person’s journey will be different, some will keep it hidden for years, others will share their reality because the disability is more obvious.

If you are reading this as a disabled person, I know you will be able to add to everything I’ve written here.

Never be afraid of carefully telling someone if something is unhelpful, whether that be a comment or action. Being upset by all the comments is only natural, but it’s also a big energy stealer. You need all your energy to deal with everything else.

If you know someone in your church who is on this journey, just sit with them without trying to fix them. Acknowledge that this sucks. Acknowledge the grief.

Listen and believe them.

Give them permission to tell you if you say something that isn’t helpful—so you can both move on as friends.

And if you’re going to give out Bible verses, give ones that are a prayer for them as they deal with everything, such as Ephesians 3v16-18:
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ" …

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