Not all prayer looks the same - and that's okay

We’ve all been told stories of the great saints of prayer. You know, those worthy people who got up early in the morning and prayed for hours, without a cup of coffee and before breakfast.

We’ve all, at some point, probably felt guilty that we can’t pray that way. But dig a little deeper into those stories and we will also find lives just like ours - fragile and flawed.

So why are those stories often used as a weapon to whip children and young people into "getting into the habit of prayer"?

'Guilted' into prayer

I experienced this as a child: if you want a victorious Christian life, then pray for at at least an hour and early in the morning. If you want more righteousness points, make it two hours…

We were told to make it happen, sometimes we were given "helpful" advice on praying, other times we were left floundering - caught between the “I’ve been told I have to do this” and the guilt trip.

The truth is, most of us were "guilted" into prayer. And as we know, guilt is not the best basis on which to grow your prayer life!

But in all the talks, all the advice, all the stories of prayer heroes, we miss a major point: not everyone can do this.

Different abilities, different prayer life

For so many people, prayer is a struggle and they feel they can't ask for help because of guilt and the preconception of how prayer "should" work.

Some may have tried the prayer list method, but a list can seem insurmountable to those who are anxious or in pain. To some who are neurodivergent it can feel like a threat that causes severe anxiety. To those with chronic illness, praying for just two items can be exhausting.

The truth is, neurodivergent people, those who have severe anxiety and other mental health struggles, plus many who have chronic illnesses find it difficult to pray in the way we have been told we should. And for many who parent children and young people with additional needs, regular times of prayer feels like a luxury that is out of reach. Many feel judged because of that. But not all brains work that way. Many just don’t have the emotional capacity. We too, at any time in our lives, will struggle with finding ways of praying that we can actually concentrate on!

Thank goodness God hears our quickly breathed prayers, our thoughts that turn to Him when we see a butterfly, our one word arrow prayers sent throughout the day, and He loves each and every word spoken on a breath.

You see, He "gets" it. He made us. He knows our circumstances. He can also understand the groans that are turned towards Him and can turn them into language.

New ways to pray

Those of us who pastor, support and disciple need to be aware of this and support those who struggle to find ways that work with a brain that functions differently, or parents who barely find a minute to themselves.

For some, praying briefly and regularly is easier. It’s still prayer and praying this way often leaves more time to listen to what God says.

For others, having specific prompts to pray helps: a picture, a post-it note, a reminder on a phone, or the old favourite of traffic lights on a journey.

Some pray best when walking or running. Some when cleaning or ironing. The soft to and fro of knitting or crocheting can often be a great time to pray, or similarly the relaxation of colouring.

I’ve been writing "Fiddle Toy Prayers" for neurodivergent teens and young adults to use. I’ve found that children and youth leaders use these the most, not just for those they care for, but also for themselves.

I’d love to hear how others pray, if only to find more ways to help and support those who struggle.