Trad Wives: solution or symptom?

In an age of progress and increasing gender equality, one movement might strike us as profoundly counter-cultural: Trad Wives. It’s a modern movement that claims to go back to basics - but does it go back far enough?

Let’s start with a definition.

What is a Trad Wife?

At first glance, the term 'Trad Wife' may appear synonymous with stay-at-home motherhood, but it runs deeper than that. This lifestyle choice is a largely American phenomenon, popularised on social media and existing in conservative spaces. Unlike stay-at-home mums, the trad wife movement rejects modern forms of feminism and embraces traditional gender roles - or at least the ‘traditional’ roles of 1950s White America.

The aesthetic is strong: pinafore dresses, pencil skirts, free range children and lots of homemade sourdough.

Trad Wives like Hannah Neeleman, a former ballerina turned mother of eight, proudly display their lifestyle on platforms like Instagram. Neeleman, who left behind her professional dancing dreams to marry and raise a large family on Ballerina Farm, holds the title of Mrs America 2023.

But she experienced a strong backlash when it became known that her husband’s family owns JetBlue and four other airlines. You see the Trad Wife life, at least the Neeleman’s version of if, turns out to be prohibitively expensive for most. And while its influencers promote domestic perfection, many are left wondering whether they can achieve - or afford! - what’s on display.

Which leaves us to ask, is the Trad Wife movement a good or bad thing? Does it liberate women from the modern day tyranny of careerism? And is it a legitimate protest against the ironing out of gender difference? Or on the other hand, is it a wolf in a sheep’s apron: promoting perfectionism, sexism and deadly comparisons under the auspices of domestic bliss?

The answer, perhaps, is a bit of both.

From one kind of pressure to another

Both men and women feel the weight of expectations in performing their gender. In the last 80 years, the home/work split has opened up like never before and women have taken up different roles, sometimes in the domestic sphere and sometimes in the professional.

Four different waves of feminism have told us what it means to be a woman and how to be truly fulfilled. But the definitions, the problems and the solutions are changing all the time. We’re told that modern women can, and must, 'have it all' - a fulfilling career, family, and social life. Add on the pressures of caring for elderly parents, Covid and childcare costs, and the reality is that many feel exhausted and burnt out. Therefore the Trad Wife lifestyle, with its slower pace and emphasis on family, offers relief from modern pressures.

But the Trad Wife aesthetic brings pressures of its own. Post after post on social media feed us a picture-perfect idyll. Through a curated Instagram filter, domestic tasks like baking, gardening and homeschooling, seem effortless. But, as media critic Caroline Burke notes: 'The reason why we watch, and the reason (trad wives) do it, has much less to do with values or with making money… it’s about perfection. Perfection is really satisfying to watch and when you’re trained to equate perfection with value, it’s also really satisfying for these women to perform.'

When you start adding up the price of the sourdough, the AGA, the cookware, and the eye-watering cost of raising those eight kids on a single income, the utopian vision can start to feel like a cruel mockery of those who don’t - and can’t - match up.

Be more Trad

Another criticism of the movement comes from feminist writer Mary Harrington. Author of Feminism Against Progress, Harrington offers a thought-provoking critique of the movement, arguing that Trad Wives aren’t traditional enough. While many Trad Wives harken back to the 1950s as their golden era, this period is one of the most peculiar in the history of gender relations.

Post-WWII, women who had worked in factories during the war suddenly returned to highly gendered domestic roles. Never before (and never since) have the spheres of home and work been so demarcated. Some women thrived in that peculiar environment. Many did not. It was an era that saw skyrocketing rates of mental illness among housewives, leading to the over-prescription of Valium, dubbed 'Mother’s Little Helper'.

Harrington believes the Trad Wife needs to look back not to the 1950s but to the 1350s when gender roles were still distinct, but life was centred around shared family labour. In this way, she argues, men and women can be more side-by-side once again; and mothers can find a more achievable balance of child care and work. 'Trade wives' then, rather than trad.

She makes a great point. We definitely need a deeper sense of history if we’re going to truly consider 'traditional' gender roles. But perhaps even Mary Harrington doesn’t go back far enough.

Mary and Martha

Martha certainly felt the pressure to live up to traditional gender roles. When Jesus came to her house 'Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made.' (Luke 10:40) Mary on the other hand was not performing a traditional role. She was with the men. And Trad Martha was profoundly irked: 'She came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”'

We might expect Jesus to side with tradition and shoo Mary away from the 'male domain' (learning) and into the 'female domain' (the kitchen!). But in a reversal of ancient expectations, Jesus says: 'Martha, Martha… you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed - or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.' (Luke 10:41-42).

Martha belongs at the feet of Jesus, as does everyone - male or female. From that position of equality, dignity, privilege and rest, she can move out to her responsibilities. And, yes, she might still be called to hospitality. And, yes, she will serve in a different way to say, the disciples. But first she needs to enjoy the wonder of that level ground, drawing near to Jesus.

The Trad Wife is not the solution to our modern woes. But it is a symptom of those troubles. Career can become slavery. Domestic life is undervalued in the modern world. Family life is, unfortunately, considered second (or third) best. And - contrary to what many will tell you - there is such a thing as masculinity and femininity. Men and women are not interchangeable units of production to be plugged into the capitalist machine. We’re equal; but we’re different. And we’re made for so much more than the small dreams of 'the woman (or man) who has it all.'

Becoming Martha won’t liberate us any more than being Girl Boss will. The real escape from the rat race, whether you’re a mogul or a homeschooler, is to know the 'one thing' that is really needful. Not career success, not influencer status, and not trad wife kudos. It’s sitting at the Master’s feet.

You can hear more on this topic by listening to Emma’s latest podcast.