No one ever said parenting was easy. Children can be demanding, difficult and defiant! No advice can possibly make you get it right every time, but here a few pointers.
Be loving - the importance of touch
Loving our children and letting them know that we love them is the most important things we can do for them. The sense of security offered by a cuddle is more precious than words can say, whether to a little toddler or a gangly 11 year-old.
Quieter forms of physical affection - holding hands on the way to school for example, are simple and almost unconscious ways of showing you care.
Touch also has an important role to play in helping children learn to wait when they cannot have our full and instant attention the moment they want it. Have you notice how children invariably 'need' you when you're on the phone?! 'I won't be a minute' rarely has any effect on a three year-old who wants to show you his Duplo aeroplane now. But a hand resting on their head or shoulder will make their waiting easier because they understand that they will have at least part of your attention and will be your first priority when the phone call is finished.
Be fun - baby talk lives!
Young children love the familiarity of special words and pet names and the fun of silly voices. Far from limiting or restricting their language development, these may encourage them to experiment more with words and sounds. Never be embarrassed to use words and phrases such as 'Scrummy yummy in your tummy', 'Easy peasy lemon squeezy'!
Children love rhythm and rhyming words. They can be used to make instructions more fun.
Be realistic - on the level
Remember that small children have a vantage point that is about three feet lower than an adult's! It can save upsets and accidents sometimes to bend down and get a child's eye view of a situation.
It is also helpful to not always 'talk down' to children from the lofty adult height, but to get down on a level with them. Put your arm around them too. When you are explaining something to your child, speak simply and slowly and make sure she understands.
Be wise - into the mouths of babes
Little children do not always know, or remember, what to say in every situation. Help them out by encouraging them to say the 'right thing'. For example when a conflict is brewing, suggest to the child that he says: 'Please may I play with that in a minute' rather than 'I want it' or 'It's mine!'
Equally, somebody might need encouragement to say: 'I'm sorry, Mummy, it was me' or 'I did it - it was an accident'. Say it for them and let them copy your words. Reward their honesty with a cuddle and 'Thank you for telling me. Now help me clear it up You won't do it again will you?'
Be in charge - set limits
Children need to learn the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and come to understand that all behaviour has consequences - whether nice ones or nasty ones! Setting limits to a child's behaviour is useful, but it will only have a positive effect on his behaviour if the child understands the agreement ('You can walk if you hold onto the buggy'), understands the penalty for breaking the agreement ('If you let go, you will have to go back in the buggy') and if the promised penalty is used straightaway if the child breaks the agreement. Never use idle threats. Try to anticipate difficulties before they arise.
Be reasonable!
Being 'in charge' doesn't mean being a tyrant! Although there are times when 'because I said so' is appropriate, more often than not it is better to explain what you have said. Sometimes it is helpful to ask your child why she thinks you have said no, for example, to her request to play in the garden.
'Because it's bed time'?
'Yes - anything else?'
'Cos it's too cold?
'Mmmm, anything else?'
'It's raining . . . and dark?'
'Mmmm . . . . .'
'And cos I'm in bed?'
'What a lot of reasons! You can play in the garden tomorrow. Night, night.'
Of course, there may be times when your child's reasoning persuades you to change your mind. We all get things wrong sometimes and when we do, we should apologise in the same way that we expect our child to apologise to us.
Be positive
It is so easy to say 'don't', but often much more effective to say 'do'.. Wherever possible, avoid giving negative instructions, 'Walk around the puddle' will be far more effective than 'Don't go in the puddle'. Too many 'don'ts' sound like nagging, and little people don't like being nagged any more than big people!
Good behaviour is better rewarded with praise, encouragement or a hug rather than with sweets, treats or money. Appreciation from someone he loves is a powerful motivator for a young child. In a situation where there is more than one child, it may be more effective to give positive attention to the child who is behaving well rather than showing disapproval of the child behaving badly. However, make sure that praising good behaviour in one child doesn't allow the naughty child to 'get away' with bad behaviour.
Be fair
Remember that children are not mini adults so you can't expect them to behave like adults in every respect. They will, of course, be clumsy, forgetful and accident-prone and should never be punished for pure childishness. But at the same time, we shouldn't encourage our children to become careless. If they break or spill something, get them to help you clear way the mess or even do it themselves if they are old enough.
Sometimes bad behaviour can stem from the parent giving a choice to a child who lacks the ability to choose one thing over another.
Be in control
No one who has lived with small children would deny that they can be exhausting and exasperating. The good news is that we've all been there - and the even better news is that experience confirms that many of the worst excesses of toddler behaviour can be avoided if tantrums are nipped in the bud. Once you've tamed your toddler, the going gets a lot easier! The question is how to do it.
Being 'in control' is not really about 'controlling' your child, but rather, effectively managing and guiding his behaviour. With very young children it is often possible to anticipate bad behaviour and deal with it by distracting them, removing them from the situation or perhaps by removing the source of the problem from them. Frequently, the expression on your face or the tone of your voice will be enough to deter all but the most determined little ones!
Sooner or later all children learn that their actions have consequences, and consequences mean receiving adult attention. If we do not give our children enough positive attention (praise, encouragement, interest and physical affection), they will try to get our attention by other means. As far as our children are concerned, any attention is better than none.
Be firm
Being 'in control' also means being firm with our children when they deliberately misbehave and dealing with that unwanted behaviour in such a way as to discourage it from being repeated. If a child does not respond to reasoning 'You must put on your coat because it's very cold outside'), the reasoning must be followed with appropriate and tangible action. (Either the child puts on his coat or he stays inside. Don't allow him to catch a chill by finding out for himself how cold it is.) Small children rarely understand what they need, only what they want. Besides, it makes for a much happier childhood if our children accept early on that Mummy and Daddy know best.
There are two types of behaviour which children must not be allowed to 'get away with': deliberate, repeated defiance, and spitefulness (deliberately hurting another child). It may be appropriate to use 'time out' or a smack as a punishment for such naughtiness and as a deterrent to discourage the child from repeating the behaviour.
'Time out' is simply removing the child from the situation (to another room or the 'naughty chair') until she is ready to say 'sorry' for her misdemeanour. When things have become a little fraught, this also gives both parent and child a chance to calm down.
Used wisely, a smack may be the most effective way of correcting certain types of misbehaviour. A well-timed smack can prevent a little disobedience from growing into a fully-fledged tantrum or a little spitefulness developing into a major battle zone.
Smacking should never be used by a parent to relieve frustration. It is justified on the grounds of a child's behaviour, not a parent's feelings.
If your child has refused to comply with an instruction that he has clearly understood, e.g. 'Stop that', repeat the instruction adding an ultimatum: 'If you do that again you will get a smack'. This teaches him not only that his actions have consequences, but that he can determine what those consequences will be. If he remains defiant, deliver the smack quickly as promised (on the hand, leg or bottom). Afterwards make sure he understands what he did wrong and encourage him to say sorry.
By your words and actions, let your child know that although his behaviour may have been unacceptable, he is always loved.
This article is taken from a booklet Be a Confident Parent available from Families for Discipline, 173 Frinton Road, Kirby Cross, Frinton on Sea, Essex CO13 0PD.
