Over the years I have heard, read (and preached!) teaching from the Bible on how to be a good wife. Although I haven't felt the need of it personally (!), it has often seemed generally helpful, if somewhat superficial.
Surprisingly, however, I have seen (or heard) very little teaching in the church on how to improve as a husband.
Could it be that the church is made up of wilful, ignorant wives who are blessed with near-perfect husbands?! Or would I be too cynical if I were to suggest that it is simply a reflection of the fact that men do most of the writing and public-speaking in the church? I wonder. Anyway, this little article is intended to redress the balance and to help husbands to see their defects and how to improve in their love for their wives. It is written with a great personal sense of the need to do just that.
There is no doubt that in matters of personal conduct, role models are extremely helpful. Like it or not, many men have their ideas of how they should be as a husband from their father or from other husbands that they see. The Bible gives us a smattering of helpful illustrations of being a good husband. One is Elkanah, the husband of Hannah. His story is found in 1 Samuel chapters 1 and 2, and makes instructive reading. In Elkanah we find two things to commend, and one area of weakness from which we need to learn.
Commitment to God
First, Elkanah shows a commendable commitment to the living God. In an age similar to ours, when religious commitment was largely superficial and religion was often used as a cloak for greed and all kinds of wickedness (see chapter 2), Elkanah shows a consistent commitment to God and to worshipping him (chapter 1, verse 3). A life that is not directed to serving God is misdirected, compromises our true humanity and will inevitably lead to frustration and lack of real purpose.
Yet Elkanah was not content to have his own personal faith. He knew and felt his responsibility to encourage his family to worship the true and living God also. He took all his family to worship (chapter 1, verse 21) and encouraged his wife to be careful to maintain her faithfulness to God at a time when the needs of a young child made it difficult for her. Indeed, he supported his wife wholeheartedly in her apparently reckless decision to give her only child Samuel to be trained to serve the Lord from an incredibly early age - even though it meant him living away from home. Thus Elkanah shows us that being a good husband involves living for God, and leading, training and encouraging one's family by example and gentle instruction to do the same.
Sympathy and tenderness
Secondly, Elkanah is a real example in the way he shows love, sympathy and tenderness to his wife. His situation was complicated by the fact that he had two wives who both lived with him! Just as with cases of divorce today, there were the in-evitable ripples of a problem that flowed from the sin that led to a departure from God's ideal plan for marriage. In Elkanah's case, the problem was largely, and predictably, the relationship between the two women. Yet for all the difficulty of the situation, the author of the history was utterly convinced that Elkanah loved his second wife Hannah deeply, in spite of the fact that, unlike her rival, she had been unable for a long time to bear children (chapter 1 verse 5).
He greatly sympathised with her in this affliction and tried hard to help and encourage her (chapter 1, verse 8). Indeed, he went out of his way to reassure her of his love and make it so obvious that she couldn't doubt him (chapter 1, verses 5 and 8). So Elkanah, by his example, challenges every husband who has a burdened and distressed wife to constantly show affection, concern and support for her.
Shortcomings
Thirdly, however, Elkanah's limitations as a husband are also very evident - and what makes him such an interesting study is that his shortcomings are so commonly repeated in genuinely loving husbands today. There are indications in the brief account of his treatment of Hannah that he was not as thoughtful or understanding as he ought to have been. What are those clues?
1. He was unwise in how he displayed his love (chapter 1, verse 5). He wanted to reassure Hannah of the place she held in his heart, but his display of favouritism only added to her problems by stirring up jealousy in his other wife. In very different situations today, husbands often seem to believe, like Elkanah, that gifts are adequate displays of love when the woman in their life needs their company and undivided attention so much more.
2. Elkanah seems to be oblivious of the tensions in his home. His words to Hannah (chapter 1, verse 8) seem to imply that he thought that her childlessness was her only real problem. He seems not to have noticed how spiteful her rival Peninnah repeatedly was to her. How many husbands today do not know of the tensions that exist in their own home - often friction between a mother and her children - because they are always busy with work, TV, computer or church affairs. Loving your wife involves being aware of the pressures and tensions she is under and working to alleviate them.
3. Elkanah didn't seem to understand the depth of Hannah's sorrows. He is to be commended for being aware of her anguish at her barrenness, and for his efforts to lift her spirits (chapter 1, verse 8). But how simplistic, almost critical, are the words he uses to try and coax her from her depression: 'Surely my love more than makes up for not having a child,' he tells her. It is as if he is saying: 'I have learned to cope with the disappointment; you need to get it into perspective.' He has little or no understanding of what a terrible burden it is for a married woman to be unable to bear a child, and doubly so in a society where the home is almost the whole of the woman's world.
There is no doubt that a wife's life is made much more difficult and lonely when her husband treats her deepest concerns, fears and burdens lightly, and tells her to snap out of her depression. To be understood, and gently encouraged to trust to the prayer-answering God of all grace (as Hannah eventually was by Eli the priest), is far more helpful to a burdened wife. Incidentally, wives who pine for their husband's attention and love need to be very careful not to seek a substitute in a more thoughtful man. They must seek help from Christ, the wonderful counsellor who promises rest to the souls who seek him, and grace to be the most loving and supportive of wives whatever their husband's shortcomings. Submissive, supportive wives tend to coax their husbands into being more thoughtful and loving!
A better way
Far from the Christian church being full of perfect husbands, it is largely stocked by men who are in great need of help if they are to love their God-given life partner. Superficial affection abounds. Problems are unseen or minimised. Gifts often take the place of time and attention. Spiritual example, concern and help are in very short supply indeed. But help is at hand. The Scripture shows husbands a better way by instruction, examples to follow and errors to avoid. And all needful forgiveness, wisdom and grace are found in Jesus Christ for all who will seek it.
