Principle: I have a duty of care for others that involves taking the initiative to serve and resolve conflict.
Consider this
‘Oh, I never argue’, says Pat airily. ‘I just change the subject. Or let them have their own way. I think we should live at peace with everyone.’
What do you make of this response to conflict?
Biblical background: read James 3.1 – 4.12.
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Our relationship to other people reveals a lot about our relationship with God.
* If you treat other people as they deserve, it might be because you think you get what you deserve from God. But if you know yourself forgiven by God, then you’ll be quick to forgive others (Matthew 6.14-15).
* If you’re indifferent towards people, it might be because you think of God as remote and unconcerned. But if you’re confident of God’s love, then you’ll love others.
* If you’re selfish or self-serving, then it might be because you think you’re the centre of the world with God out of the picture. But if you find joy in God’s glory, then you’ll count it a joy to pursue that glory by serving others. As James says, it makes no sense to praise God and curse those made in his image. Love for God is tightly linked with love for others.
Taking the initiative to serve.
The Bible talks about self-denial, self-control and self-sacrifice — putting others first. But our culture sees these as dangerously repressive and instead makes virtues out of self-fulfilment, self-realisation and self-indulgence.
This attitude can creep into the church. Take, for example, our view of spiritual gifts. We often assume we need to work out what our gifts are so we can discover a fulfilling ministry. The Bible never tells us to do this. The point of every passage on spiritual gifts is to encourage Christians to celebrate the diversity in the church (Romans 12; 1 Corinthians 12; 1 Peter 4). The Spirit gives gifts to the community for the good of the community, not for personal fulfilment (1 Corinthians 12.7).
Taking the initiative to resolve conflict.
Relationships go wrong. Not particularly insightful, but all too true. Conflict is a normal part of life. And of the Christian life.
So don’t suppress conflict. This doesn’t mean we need to make a big deal out of every issue. Someone may slight you and you can let it go. You bear the pain internally and the matter is forgotten. If you can forget about it, then forget about it. But if it gnaws away in your mind, or it begins to affect your attitude to someone, then you need to take the initiative to address the conflict. Have a chat with the person concerned. Involve others if necessary (Matthew 18.16).
1. Repent. Of course, it’s always someone else’s fault. At least that’s how it seems to us at the time. But listen to James: ‘What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?’ (James 4.1). Conflict arises from the desires that battle within us. In other words, we don’t get what we want. Those desires may not be bad desires — they may be good desires that have come to mean more to us than God and his glory. So when they’re threatened, God’s glory is not our number one concern. James calls it spiritual ‘adultery’ (4.4). It means conflict can be a great opportunity to get our affections realigned to God.
2. Forgive. The sign of a true gospel community is not a community without conflict, but a community that forgives.
Forgiveness is not forgetting the incident, nor pretending it doesn’t matter. Forgiveness says: ‘This does matter to me, but I still forgive you’. This, in effect, is what God declared at the cross: ‘Your sin matters this much, but I still forgive you’. It’s an act of will that may only be the beginning of the process of healing the hurts that have been caused.
3. Humility. Integral to healthy relationships, selfless service and resolved conflict is humility. James says: ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble’ (James 4.6).
Humility cannot be achieved! So what can we do? The great English Puritan, John Owen, may help us. He said: ‘There are two things that are suited to humble the souls of men, and they are, first, a due consideration of God, and then of themselves — of God, in his greatness, glory, holiness, power, majesty, and authority; of ourselves, in our mean, abject, and sinful condition’. We look at ourselves through the prism of God’s glory, seeing ourselves as unworthy servants of a great King. We look at other people through the prism of Christ’s cross, seeing ourselves as sinners saved by grace, pointing other sinners to the fountain of grace.
The Gospel-centred Life is published at £3.00 by The Good Book Company: http://www.thegoodbook.co.uk
