Those who have not been able to have children sometimes find it hard when they hear others say that they have been ‘blessed’ with a baby.
Annie and Jack — blessed?
‘Many people talk about children as a gift from God, and how much they are blessed by having them. Sometimes, a feeling can come about that, maybe, I wasn’t blessed as much.’
It is so easy to convey the wrong understanding of ‘blessing’ to those listening who haven’t had the children that they long for. Annie and Jack’s conclusion that they ‘weren’t blessed as much’ shows us that. Our choice of the word ‘blessing’ can communicate a variety of messages and as a result, the idea of ‘blessing’ is frequently misused in the counselling of infertile couples. It might be the message that we are being rewarded for obedience or, conversely, that we are being punished for disobedience.
What does the Bible say about this? We can find ourselves reading the Old Testament book of Deuteronomy and discovering that children were promised as a blessing because of obedience to God: ‘If you fully obey the Lord your God and carefully follow all his commands that I give you today, the Lord your God will set you high above the nations on earth. All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God. You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country. The fruit of your womb will be blessed’ (Deuteronomy 28.1–4a).
Some Christians wrongly conclude from these verses that our specific problems and disabilities, such as unwanted childlessness, are evidence of God’s curse on our lives as individuals.
Craig — God’s curse?
‘A friend who is a really switched-on Christian was thinking out loud when he was talking to me, and said, “Why do you not think that being infertile is God cursing you? That’s what it says in the Old Testament.”’
In the Old Testament we do indeed read about curses that Israel will face if it fails to be obedient to God’s commands. These lists of curses include the condition of infertility. Paul tells the Galatians about this, quoting the Old Testament: ‘All who rely on observing the law are under a curse, for it is written: “Cursed is everyone who does not continue to do everything written in the Book of the Law”’ (Galatians 3.10).
It is interesting to note here that infertile people cannot be singled out as those who might be ‘under a curse’, since it is applied to anyone failing to obey God. That covers everybody! Paul goes on to show us definitively that we cannot possibly be under a curse. When Christ died on the cross, he was cursed instead of us. We do indeed deserve it for failing to obey God, but Jesus took the punishment of that curse so that we did not have to: ‘Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, for it is written: “Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree”’ (Galatians 3.13).
How foolish, then, to suggest that someone might be individually cursed with infertility! Instead, how can we begin to recognise God’s blessing in this situation?
Although God’s blessings can include children . . .
Many would describe the following as signs of God’s blessing: good health, a happy marriage, good relationships, a successful job or career, children, a comfortable home, good food, happy holidays. All of these are certainly ‘good’, and we should be continually thankful to God for them. So, yes, children are a sign of God’s goodness and generosity now.
... they are not the way in which God has proved his love for us.
It is easy to agree that these are things that we should be thankful for. It is harder to work out why, if God loves to give good things to his people, he is not giving us the children we desire out of compassion for us. We struggle with feelings that God can’t see how hard this is. We feel that we are not blessed. The problem is when we start to think of all of these things as conditional upon our being good. We may start to see them as an expectation or a ‘right’, especially if we’ve been good, faithful Christians. We may begin to view them as signs of God’s favour with us. The consequence of thinking like this can be that when I don’t experience these things, or if they are taken away from me, I think God is not ‘blessing’ me. I feel that God doesn’t love me. It is sometimes extremely hard to identify God’s goodness in our lives when we are overwhelmed by the absence of the one thing that we really desire.
Emily — trusting God
‘As a Christian facing the fact that I wasn’t able to have children, I found myself feeling guilty that I wasn’t trusting God enough. I know how much God has given me in my life. I am so grateful for my husband. I have loving parents and a great job that I enjoy. My health is good in all other areas apart from this. But none of that seems to count for anything any more. I find it so hard to work out why this feels as bad as it does. I love God and I’m so grateful for Jesus and all that he has done for me. I want to serve him and live for him, but I feel so paralysed by my inability to get pregnant.’
Emily already knows that she is blessed. Yet she still reflects a real desire to know in her heart what it means to be blessed by God when she is denied a good thing that she knows he gives to others. The challenge for her and for us is this; how we can know God’s blessing at this time as a reality that goes deeper than head knowledge: a blessing that encourages us to be dependent on God in this particular area of our lives.
Amy — spiritual blessing
‘God is perfect love — his love for me is so great, it is beyond compare and comprehension. It was so great that he gave his most precious thing, his Son, to die for me. Who am I to understand a God like this? His ways are not my ways. So will I ever be a mother? It’s possible. Does God have a plan for me that is ultimately the best it could be? Definitely. Will he stay beside me and not leave me? That is a guarantee.’
Amy knows that her status before God has been changed by Jesus’s death and resurrection. She knows that her acceptance by God is not conditional upon obeying his commands. He accepts her because she has been made right with him when Jesus died on the cross. She knows that his love for her and his control over her life extend beyond mere fact, and we see God sustaining her deep down in her grief. It would be hard to say that Amy wasn’t blessed.
The proof of God’s love for me is not that he gives me children. The proof of his love for me is that he sent Jesus, his only Son, to die for me. For the Christian today, this is marvellous news. Knowing this should help to guard against seeking some kind of assurance that God shows his love for me by giving me a child: ‘Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ’ (Ephesians 1.3).
As we read on in Ephesians, we can see that the main blessing available to all who believe now is forgiveness for sins through the death and resurrection of Jesus. As Ephesians 1 unfolds, Paul illustrates what this blessing fully encompasses now and in the future. We are chosen to be holy and blameless, adopted as sons (and daughters!), and we have received free grace, redemption and forgiveness of sins (Ephesians 1.4). We have peace and reconciliation with God (Romans 15.13) and can rejoice in God through Jesus Christ (Romans 5.1,11).
These are amazing blessings which we often lose sight of.
Christine – contentment
‘I now feel very blessed by God, even though we have no family. My husband and I have many friends, young and old, and we are doing what we hope are useful things in a community that we are growing to love. It has been a 20-year process!’
After a long period of frustration and pain, Christine concludes that she has indeed been fully blessed in Christ. Childlessness may be a harrowing experience that demands every ounce of energy and faith that we have. But in knowing God’s grace, that experience is filled with the richest blessing he can give.
This is an edited extract from Just the Two of Us? by Eleanor Margesson and Sue McGowan. Published by IVP (160 pages, £7.99, ISBN 978-1-84474-475-6), it is printed with permission.
