I have a confession to make — I am not very touchy feely. When contestants in a reality TV show dissolve into tears because they ‘want it soooo much’, I’m afraid I am left unmoved.
Those films which try so hard to pull on the heart strings and leave you an emotional wreck — I can shrug them off. I didn’t even cry when Bambi’s mother got shot.
That’s not to say that I am devoid of emotions. I am not. Seeing my children perform in school plays or on the sporting field, or listening to the stirring themes of Les Miserables, or witnessing great sporting achievements, these can all move me. But on the whole I am not prone to great outbursts of emotion. I don’t walk around with a box of Kleenex at the ready, just in case.
Personality profile
Recently I did a personality profile as part of a leadership course. The purpose was to ascertain your preferred style of working and to understand its strengths and weaknesses, with a view to being able to adapt in different circumstances. The homework following the course was to try and work on the areas where you were weaker. Needless to say, my homework involved becoming more open to my emotions; more engaged with how others were feeling; more considerate; dare I say, more loving.
So I thought about how I might do this. Should I read a self-help book? Should I watch a succession of late night weepies? Should I try random acts of kindness? Perhaps. But first, I thought, I should read the Bible and see what God had to say on the subject. And so it was that I turned to 1 John 4.7a: ‘Dear friends, let us love one another’. That was clear enough. So I read on: ‘for love comes from God’. And it hit me. Yes, I can try to be more loving, and I might even achieve it, but lasting change which is deep and not just on the surface, will only come when I understand first the nature of God’s love, and how he loves me in Christ. If I am going to love others, then it has to be grounded in the fact that God loves me.
1 John 4.7-16 describes how Christians should love each other, and at first sight it looks like a lot of effort on our part — verse 7 exhorts us, ‘let us love one another’; verse 11 seems to place an obligation on us — ‘we ought to love one another’. But John doesn’t make these statements in isolation because John always puts the focus on God. The reason we are to love in verse 7 is because love comes from God; in verse 8, John tells us that ‘God is love’. And while we indeed ‘ought to love one another’, the reason that we should is that God loved us first and sent Jesus Christ to be our Saviour (vv.10-11).
Love comes first from God
The implication is if I am to grow in love, and be a more loving, thoughtful, considerate person, then I need to grow in my understanding of the love of God for me, shown in Christ. Love is not going to come first from my head — an act of my will — or from my heart — by screwing up my emotions — it is going to come first from God. If there is to be any authentic growth in my love, it has to have its origin in God.
For John, the fact that ‘God is love’ is so crucial that he states it twice (vv.8,16). This love arises from the relationships of love that exist with the Trinity — Father, Son and Holy Spirit co-existing in relationships of mutual love. Since this love is infinite in nature, it means that God never needs love. Rather, God is full of love and that love overflows. As John explains in verse 7, love is from God.
John then moves on to show how that love is expressed, and again he states it twice (vv.9,10) — God shows his love to us by sending his Son, Jesus Christ, to die for us and to rescue us from our sins. For John (just as for Paul — Ephesians 2.4-5a), the greatest manifestation of God’s love is that he sent his Son. What makes this an act of love, is that God didn’t need to send Christ. He is totally self-sufficient, lacking in nothing, in need of nothing. He doesn’t need us, and so he would have been entirely at liberty to cut us off forever. But, because of His love for us, even while we were sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5.8). It is the unilateral nature of the sending of Christ that makes this act an act of love.
So, according to John, this is what love is — God, who is love, gives the greatest gift of them all, himself. Christ comes, not to empathise, or sympathise, but to step into our place of separation from God. Christ comes not just to be hungry, bereaved, tired and tempted. Rather he comes to take our place and be cut off from God. And this, says John, is love.The consequence of this is that if I am going to grow in love, then I need to understand God’s love for me, so that in understanding it I am changed, and I in turn become more loving towards others.
Now there is an enormous challenge in this because I am finite. God is infinite and has no need of anything, and so love flows from him, out towards his creation in general, and towards human beings in particular. I, however, am not infinite; I have needs. And one of those needs is to be loved, understood, valued and accepted. So, instead of overflowing with love like God, my natural inclination is to need love. To want love. For me, the net flow is inwards.
Grasping God’s love
However, the more I understand of God’s love to me, the more that direction of flow ought to change. As I grasp the love of God for me, so I will experience greater peace, greater rest and security. I will not need to seek the love of others; I will be content in God’s love for me. And then, utterly secure in his infinite love, I will be able to love others. The net flow will be outwards. This is why John says in verse 7: ‘Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God’.
Starting to live it
Now this is very idealistic and, like every aspect of sanctification, the change I desire is part of an ongoing process. But I do believe my approach to people has changed. I am leading a project at work that involves a lot of consultation and input from others. Usually my approach to consultation is to get people to come up with the answer I was first thinking of. Now, rather than announcing the ‘correct’ answer at the beginning and persuading people round to my way of thinking, I have encouraged ideas from others first, listening to what they have to say, and incorporating their views and perspectives. I am also adapting my way of working to take account of the person I am dealing with, much, I trust, as Christ dealt with different people in different ways according to their situation. While these are early days, this is one way I believe I am being changed by the knowledge of the love of God.
This knowledge is transformational, but it is not confined to me loving others. It actually impacts the way I look at the whole of life. Paul says: ‘I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me’ (Galatians 2.20). Paul’s life is centred on the fact that God loves him, and Christ died for him. As I see the whole of my life in those terms, then the whole of my life is transformed too.
Everything changes
Whatever my circumstances, I see them in the light of the love of God for me. At times of real pain, grief or uncertainty, secure in the love of God for me, I know that the one who sent his Son for me will not abandon me now. Whenever I am lonely, distressed or fearful, I remember that Christ is with me. Even though I might walk through the valley of the shadow of death, he is with me. Whenever I feel I am not treated fairly, if I feel my efforts are not recognised, or I am misunderstood or not appreciated, I remember that God sent his Son, and I am more loved, more valued, and more appreciated than I could possibly imagine. Knowing and understanding the love of God for me has not just changed the way I love; it has changed the way I look at the whole of life.
Stuart Cross is an elder at Hayes Lane Baptist Church, Bromley, and the Deputy Chief Executive of Greensleeves Homes Trust.
