Reflections from her parents on their daughter’s first term at uni last year
So very many people had warned us of the intense emotion associated with saying goodbye and then leaving your first child at university at the start of Fresher’s week.
We had already drifted around Ikea collecting ‘essentials’, then over-packed the car, taken the long drive, stayed in a quirky bed and breakfast, carried pasta and plates and a strangely-shaped clothes airer up multiple flights of stairs, and now we said goodbye. A friend arrived, there was a hug and it was done. If only that had been the most difficult part.
Things have changed!
Thinking back, some of the clues to the potential challenges were there from the start. I was surprised to meet another parent on the stairs carrying up a slab of Fosters beer which was deposited in the corner of the communal area.
And induction had obviously changed since my initiation at university. The Freshers’ event then was for two hours on one afternoon in a sports hall, where club secretaries and devotees declared the virtues of bizarre sports and societies armed with nothing more than clipboards and enthusiasm. The new arrivals today stood on the brink of a whole week of Freshers’ activities, with nightly parties with different themes in various locations. There were tickets to be bought, and decisions to be made about which kind of ‘beachwear’ would be appropriate for the first themed event.
Flat identity
As we took phone calls during that first week the magnitude of the adjustment in prospect became clearer. The flat-based living arrangements presupposed a ‘flat identity’ that in many ways made the difficulties greater still. Most other people were going to parties ‘as a flat’. To make a very reasonable decision not to go along to a toga party or an evening of clubbing in the city was made harder as a result, and added to an initial sense of isolation our Christian daughter experienced through being away from home for the first time.
The cultural adjustment required was huge. Away from a settled home environment to living alongside, rather than knowing about, individuals who were comfortable drinking on a nightly basis to the point of induced coma. Ambulances and even police were at times called in the night due to the way-out behaviour of others in the flat. Pre-drinking – the consumption of large amounts of cheap alcohol for several hours in advance of departure for an event – was considered the norm, together with the mixing of alcohol and caffeine to prevent alcohol’s sedative effects. Even lecturers were keen to get on side with the students by advising of the cheapest clubs for vodka on Friday evenings.
Main factors
And so we came to see that the saying goodbye really was just the beginning. The first term was very hard, with many phone calls and many prayers.
As a parent I think these were probably the main factors involved, and they are shared to help new students and their parents think through and prepare for what may be involved in setting out for university:
• The move from a Christian home to a deeply secular environment
• Initially at least, the assumption that your identity will be found with those immediately around you.
• A feeling of having ‘left home’, when the reality is that university is the beginning of a long and gradual transition from home to independence.
• Adjusting to new patterns and subjects.
Our experience as parents over that first term was of many answers to prayer, and of seeing a gradual settling of anxiety and concern as meaningful networks with others were built. The church family were key at both ends. Our home church sent cards and notes in response to the problems that were an enormous encouragement and literally covered the walls of our daughter’s room. The new church that was joined had a developed student work, and a church family opened their home to share a dose of normal family life every Sunday. The Christian Union, through Hall groups and events, provided a framework over which key friendships grew as the weeks progressed.
The result, looking back, has been a game of two halves. Real friendships have now been forged, through the difficulties, that will most probably last a lifetime and, most importantly, faith in God has been strengthened as prayers have been answered and God’s keeping power experienced in new ways.
Much can be done to help students anticipate some of these challenges.
Advice to new students
If you are Christian young person going off to university for the first time, here is some direct advice that we would share:
• Be walking with God as you go. Your transition may be smooth and trouble free – in which case you can praise him! It may be that you discover your need of him in altogether new ways that has potential to deepen your faith.
• Remember there is a real sense in which you are not ‘leaving’. In that first week, you will not yet have experienced food parcels, trips back home, visits from family and friends and long holidays!
• Build friendships through the CU and through church involvement– this will take time. Get onto it early – let the CU know you are coming through UCCF, find the names of students already there who you can look out for, and think beforehand about churches and where you should be involved.
• Remember that God is with you – there is a real sense in which your home is with him – your Lord who will never leave you or forsake you. The challenges are always an opportunity to grow a deeper trust in him.
• Be comfortable saying ‘no’ and anticipate that may well be required from the start. You will be respected for it, and it may well lay the foundations for good future conversations about identity and the gospel.
• Learn how to use earplugs – soft foam are apparently the best.
Advice to churches
For those of us in churches we need to be aware of the growing challenges for our young people and respond accordingly:
• Prepare students before they go. What about arranging for each new student to meet up and pray with someone with experience who can then keep in touch through the first years, and offer practical support.
• Pray for your students away from home and write, message and text them to encourage them. This may well be a key lifeline – a means of grace in times of trouble.
• If you have students arriving at your church find them, welcome them and open your homes to them. Your investment might make a world of a difference.
The student world may well be darker than it was in the past – but it is against dark skies that the light of the gospel can even more brightly shine.
