Rebecca and Eleanor’s last piece on single women employed by churches and other ministries
In the last two months in en, we have given an overview of the findings of our research.
Through many interviews we have investigated the blessings and challenges of full-time Christian ministry for single women. This month, we focus on how the single women in our study share their struggles.
In our first article, we discussed our findings that single women see serving the Lord as a joy and a privilege and being single gives them opportunities that being married does not.
Here, a single lady working overseas describes her situation: ‘I am a single who is firmly called and uniquely suited to do many things that married female teammates are not free to do. Like Paul, I am free. There is a place for people like me in my organisation, and certainly in the work of the kingdom.’
However, when interviewing the women in our study, some had left full-time ministry or mentioned colleagues who had left the mission field or church work. Global mission attrition figures estimate that one career missionary in 20 leaves the mission field to return home every year. The majority are for preventable reasons. So what are the reasons for single women leaving the work and how can the church support and care for these women?
Personal issues single women faced
As the ladies in our study shared their stories, we found that some of the women or their colleagues had left ministry roles because of personal issues. The reasons for leaving included burnout, sickness, not being teachable and even moral failure.
One of the ladies remarked: ‘For anyone in ministry it is as though the ‘enemy stacks the deck’ and maybe our weak or vulnerable areas are ones that he will try… and we need to be aware of this and not play into his hands.’
Another woman working overseas commented: ‘We all come with baggage, we all have a suitcase of stuff; when working in ministry we also need to be brave and honest to deal with sin, so that the Lord can then use us in our weaknesses.’
Some of the women discussed how they had been supported by their leadership and had grown when dealing with difficult issues and sin in their lives. This resulted in the women maturing in their relationship with the Lord and in their ministry; but others left broken and ashamed. However, the main reason why single women struggled or left the ministry was because of ‘friendly fire’.
‘Friendly fire’ – poor leadership and breakdown in relationships
Marjory Foyle, a psychologist who worked as a single woman for many years overseas, suggests in her helpful book on stress among Christian workers that many overseas mission workers are wounded in the course of their ministry. She aptly describes this as being ‘honourably wounded’. The main reasons for being wounded according to Foyle are: burnout, spiritual fatigue, enemy action and sometimes even ‘friendly fire’. As already mentioned, ‘friendly fire’ was the main way the women in our study were honourably wounded.
Our findings further showed that the cause of ‘friendly fire’ was mainly due to poor leadership which caused a subsequent breakdown in relationships. Poor leadership took on the form of inadequate supervision, for example. Some of the women discussed how supervision was more of a ‘tick list’ for the leader and worker, rather than a supportive discussion. The single women working overseas found that working with male leaders who have little experience on the field particularly difficult. For example, a single woman working in Asia describes her relationship with her male leader: ‘My male supervisor has come into this role and he does not know what to do….. he does not know how to treat me. I am the one with the experience (the single woman had been on the field for ten years) ….but he is the leader. I want him to lead… but he does not know what to do with me’.
Another lady describes how she ended up leaving her role: ‘It just got so bad… the communication got so bad between myself and my male leader. I tried to communicate through his wife but that still did not work. I think he was threatened by me. In the end I had to leave where I was working. I am still getting over this experience’.
These examples make sad reading. One of the ladies described it as the ‘most painful thing to talk about’. So, how do workers on the field or in a church setting resolve conflict and grow together as a team?
Dealing with conflict
Conflict as outlined above is extremely difficult to deal with; so, how do we do conflict resolution when, as the women in the study noted, in UK culture this is not always easy, as we do not like to confront?
When talking with the women about how they deal with problems in their team or when they have to confront individuals, we found different strategies were used. One women described that, as a team, they had an unwritten policy that conflict was dealt with internally unless it could not be resolved and if that was the case a mutual third party was brought in. Another discussed how, when their team was going through conflict, they had a ‘no gossip’ policy so that it did not cause any further disunity.
Some of the women commented that, as they were single, conflict was sometimes harder to deal with. Some felt they were not always ‘being heard’ and found it hard because they were ‘on their own’. However, an international married team leader who had years of experience of working with single women suggested the following advice: ‘If you are a single woman, compared to a married couple, the single person has one vote and the married people have two. This is very important when dealing with confrontation and maybe another person needs to be with the single person to make it equal.’
When we consider these findings in the light of Scripture, we should not be surprised; in the early church in Acts, Paul and his fellow companions had to deal with disagreements as they worked together. Some of these were resolved and some weren’t (Acts 15). Matthew 18 provides us with a model of dealing with conflict. Firstly, by going to the person alone and seeking resolution. Secondly, if this does not work, using a mediator and, finally, if a mediator does not resolve the issue, Matthew writes about taking it to the church.
Even if we disagree, before God we should assume the same position
I (Eleanor) remember as a young Christian seeing a poster at the front lobby of our church. It was of two people kneeling together with the following caption ‘Even if we disagree, we should assume the same position’. It is this unity we need to protect as we work together. As we can see from our findings, working as single women in ministry is hard and yet it is also a great privilege and joy.
Single women need to be supported by the church so that they can thrive, so that they are able to share the gospel with those around them so that they will then shine like stars in the sky as they hold out the Word of Life (Philippians 2.15).
Questions for church leadership / mission agencies to consider
• Do you give godly supportive leadership to the single woman you care for?
• How do you help her when she is struggling?
• Do you provide a place for the single woman to retreat to?
• If she leaves the mission field/full-time ministry, is she cared for and supported?
• How do you handle conflict as a team?
• Do any of your team have skills and training in Member Care?
Resources that can help
• Member Care – www.globalconnections .org.uk/forums/member-care-forum
• Inter Health – www.interhealthworldwide.org/home/services/
• Honorably Wounded: Stress among Christian Workers, 2010, Monarch (New Edition) by Marjorie Foyle
• A Tale of Three Kings: A Study in Brokenness, 1992, Tyndale, by Gene Edwards.
