The art of conversation

Some think we have lost the art of conversation. But maybe we never had it.

The writer Ed Welch thinks many conversations are, in reality, nothing more than alternating monologues.

So, a friend mentions their recent holiday to Spain. That prompts us to reminisce about a visit to Barcelona when we couldn’t get into the cathedral. Which triggers the other person to tell us how expensive it was visiting Canterbury Cathedral recently. And since Canterbury was where we used to watch Kent play cricket, we set off on a tale about deckchairs and ice creams and collecting Alan Knott’s signature. And so it goes on – alternating monologues where neither party really engages with the other or says anything likely to encourage, inspire, edify or equip.

Jesus did it differently

We see a very different dynamic in Jesus’ conversations – one which constantly took people by surprise. Whether telling Nicodemus to be born again (John 3.2-3) or warning a would-be follower that the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head (Matthew 8.19-20), Jesus spoke in ways we wouldn’t expect. Of course, Jesus isn’t simply being a difficult conversation partner; it has to do with his intentions. Instead of conversations that are shaped by social convention or relational ease, Jesus has bigger spiritual goals and always wants what is best. The surprising content of many of Jesus’ conversations reflects a determination to push past social niceties so that he can engage and transform people’s hearts.

Relevant questions

With that in mind, here are some questions to ask ourselves about our conversations:

• When you engage in small talk, who does it serve? We can use small talk to put another person at ease. In that case our words can be loving and godly and can deepen a relationship and help us serve another. But there’s another kind of small talk. The kind that we use to protect ourselves or boost our own reputation. And that is self-serving speech. the post-church coffee time? Do we enter into it looking out for people to love or merely seeking a comfortable social exchange? Do we pray for opportunities to take an interest in others? Do

• Do we pray about we tell stories or ask questions? Where appropriate, will we take things deeper by asking questions that go beyond facts to feelings?

• When people ask ‘How are you?’, how do you respond? Is it ‘Fine, thanks, how are you?’ or do you seek to say something meaningful? Even if the questioner isn’t looking for a 30-minute appraisal of your emotional state, could you offer something a little more self-revealing? Something that would raise the likelihood of real connection.

• When a group studying the Bible gets to the end of its study, how abrupt is the transition? Is there a sharp distinction between spiritual talk and social talk? Does Jesus disappear from our conversation? Why does it seem hard to keep talking about the one who rules every part of our lives and world?

Ephesians 4.29 is a scary verse – ‘Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.’

Building others up

The scary words are ‘any’ and ‘only’. Every word benefiting those who listen. Every word building others up. Every word serving the purposes of God. The idea isn’t that we should be sanctimoniously pious or insufferably dull. Jesus was neither. So, in imitation of Christ, it might be time to reflect on our conversations and ask how well they serve others and how well they serve Christ.