Linda Allcock discusses the problem and prevalence of pornography
In our work with 18–30s, I can always tell when they have reached that stage in their relationship where they’ve discussed the question. It’s usually around the eight-month stage. I get the telltale text message. They vary in emotional intensity, but the content is remarkably similar from couple to couple…
‘He/she just admitted that they struggle with pornography. I feel so broken and betrayed, please can we meet?’
The pornography question
This issue is so prevalent, that asking the pornography question has become an important part of the marriage preparation course that we do.
Of course this is an issue for all ages, but 18–30s were victims of being the first youngsters exposed to the Internet without filters. Nowadays there is a far greater awareness of the dangers online, there are sophisticated filters, and schools run educational sessions for parents about how to protect their children.
Back in the 1990s, when these kids were growing up, their parents thought they were safe upstairs playing on a computer alone in their room. Ironically they would have been safer at the local park, even with the drug addicts lurking. Because on the Internet they were exposed to something just as addictive as drugs, only far simpler to get hold of, with no visible side effects.
I say no visible side effects because the mental side effects remain, and we have seen them wreak havoc within marriage. For example, the husband whose brain had been trained to be aroused by digital images and found himself unable to be aroused by his wife. The wife caught in a repeated daily pattern similar to an alcoholic, where the behaviour became a learnt way for her brain to relax and release the tension of her extremely stressful job.
It is helpful to recognise patterns of behaviour and dig deeper to the underlying reasons behind it, because then it is possible to address the real issue. In the first scenario, it was necessary to retrain the brain to turn away from the habitual usage of digital images, and learn to find arousal in one’s real spouse. Underlying reasons became apparent through this process – anxiety, and low self esteem.
In the second scenario, once the real issue of work stress was understood, it became possible to build in more constructive ways of relaxing, forming new habits, and eventually moving jobs to a less-pressured environment.
What the Bible says
It’s obvious that pornography has negative side effects, but to understand why it is wrong, we need to go back to the maker’s instructions in Genesis 2:20-25:
But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said,
‘This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
Sexual intimacy is good and a gift of God. We see here the hallmarks of God-ordained sex:
Sacrificial – God would have had to pierce Adam’s side to remove the rib from which Eve was formed. There would have been blood shed as Eve is brought into existence through the sacrifice of Adam. There is a hint here even in creation of the way in which Christ’s bride will be formed – through a pierced body, through blood, through sacrifice. So sex is a sacrificial act that prefers the needs of the other above oneself.
Joyful – Adam breaks into verse as he celebrates the fact that he now has a helper, the perfect match for him in a way the animals could never be.
Exclusive – the man leaves his mother and father and is united to his wife. This is an act confined to the marriage bed, not to be shared with anyone else.
Uniting – they fit together. Through the act of sex God joins a man and a woman together to make one flesh.
Naked – there is no shame, no embarrassment, no hiding. This is sex with the lights on.
These give us principles by which we can evaluate if something is in line with God’s plan for sex.
Pornography does not involve sacrificial, other-person-preferring love, but exploitation. There is no lasting joy, the momentary high is followed by the shame of having fallen again. It is not exclusive, but adulterous. There is no unity, everything about it divides: the two involved are physically separated; it has the potential to create division in an existing or future marriage; it creates division between us and God. It is not ‘naked’ – it is done behind closed doors, it is shameful.
Porn is clearly and utterly wrong, exploitative, shameful. It is modern-day slavery.
Practically, what can we do?
My general response when I receive the text message (above), is to hold in tension the truths that:
1. Pornography is abhorrent
I encourage the injured person to express their pain to their partner. To show how broken they are. To talk about how it feels, what it means. It is helpful for someone struggling with pornography to see the impact their actions have on their partner, to see with fresh eyes what a complete betrayal it is. ‘If you even look at a woman lustfully you have committed adultery with her,’ Jesus said (Matt. 5:28). It is adultery.
2. Pornography is a common problem
But I also explain what a common problem it is. We talk about the fact that it is better to be with someone who will admit their problem and seek help, rather than someone who is not honest about their struggles. We explore the possibility that in some ways the person struggling with pornography may also be a victim, if their exposure began in their teens when porn was so easily accessible, and the dangers not apparent.
How do we move forwards?
We fight through the gospel. There is hope. In the garden and in the gospel. Through the sacrifice of an animal in Genesis 3:21, God provides coverings of skin for Adam and Eve, pointing forward to the greatest sacrifice of all that covers our sin.
We fight by seeing the sinfulness of sin – seeing the impact of pornography on our partner, looking at how much it cost Jesus to die for that sin on the cross.
We fight by taking our sin to the cross, where Jesus’ sacrifice paid for our sin. In 1 Corinthians 6:9-13, the apostle Paul describes sexual immorality as ‘what you were,’ going on to say: ‘but you were washed, sanctified, justified.’ We cannot and must not fight this out of guilt. The gospel is what enables us to change. Knowing we are washed, sanctified and justified.
We fight by recognising that we can’t break the chains of slavery, but supernaturally, God can. There is power to change. Christ is better. More satisfying. We fight to believe this, and pray for a heart that prefers Christ. We dig for roots of sin, seek medical help, counselling, make plans to cut it out, avoid it, fight it at all costs.
The injured partner fights by honestly acknowledging that we can’t forgive. It is too painful, it hurts too much. But even in this we gain an insight into what it cost Jesus to die for our sin. How much it hurt Him, the pain he endured. As we look and see Him dying to pay for sin, forgiving us, we must remember that He taught us in the Lord’s Prayer to pray ‘forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.’
We can’t forgive. But supernaturally God can, and He has, and as He forgives us, we find the power to forgive those who have sinned against us.
We fight as a team. Avoiding language like it’s his problem or her problem, we start to recognise it is our problem, and together we are fighting this battle. It is not the only battle we are fighting, nor is it the biggest battle.
We are not just a team as a couple, but as a church family. We need good friends with whom we can be accountable. It is helpful to put safeguards in place such as accountability software. This cannot solve the problem, but in conjunction with a repentant heart and a desire to change, it can be a helpful weapon to make it much more difficult to revert to old habits. With software in place, accessing pornography has to involve a deliberate act of disobedience rather than a momentary lapse of willpower. We often link couples up with others who are struggling because it can be such a relief to be able to share the pain, and encourage one another. This is not a battle we can fight alone.
But what about couples in ministry? How can you admit to a problem when it threatens your career, your livelihood, your hopes, dreams, future, home, family? You can’t reach out to your elders, for that begins an unthinkable process of unravelling everything you have built your life upon. Do you have the sort of friends who could carry and counsel you with such a significant issue? It can feel that you have no choice but to keep it hidden.
What do you do if you are married to someone in ministry and discover they are using pornography? I heard a very helpful talk from an older ministry wife who recommended asking this question early in marriage: ‘If things go wrong, and you fall into a pattern of sinning, who should I call?’
If you are impacted by this, please reach out to someone you trust and share it with them. Sin has power whilst it is kept hidden, but as we come into the light, God works through His gospel to transform and renew what was broken.
We fight by asking the question. When we meet with trusted friends, let’s help one another to be honest. Not just in general, by asking how people are, but being specific. Asking open-ended questions such as: ‘In what ways are you struggling with lust?’ Rather than: ‘Are you struggling?’ Let’s be the first to be open and share our struggle with sin, to foster a culture of vulnerability and openness.
As we help people to fight this battle, let’s beware of making it the central issue. We observed this in our work with addicts in our previous church.
In the Alcoholics Anonymous approach of celebrating how many days it was since your last drink, your status was tied up with when you last had a drink. So, every time you failed you were back to square one. It was so much easier to lie and cover up your struggle as your identity was completely wrapped up in your success or failure in one area. Our status and assurance as a Christian does not rest on when we last sinned, but on Christ’s finished work. We don’t fight out of guilt, as if we could make ourselves clean through overcoming this temptation. We fight because we are washed, sanctified, forgiven, so how could we want to sin any longer?
