Conflict is everywhere: The teenage child who tells you they hate you; the friend who quickly becomes angry when you disagree; the church member who criticises your leadership; the relational breakdown between people in your church.
Conflict is a constant reality, yet we typically do not handle it well.
Two common reactions
In responding to conflict, most people react in one of two ways: attack or avoid.
For the avoiders among us, difficult conversations feel like a threat. Our heart beats, our palms sweat, our stomach churns. Disagreements are deeply uncomfortable and our instinct is to avoid conflict by burying the problem, breaking off a friendship, or even leaving a church.
On the other hand, attackers among us have no problem engaging with conflict. But we tend to see the aim of disagreements as a debate to win or an issue to eradicate, rather than a person to engage with. If the other person submits to our will or opinion, we feel we have resolved the issue, regardless of whether they feel heard or understood. The conflict may appear resolved, but in reality, the relationship is damaged and trust is dissolved.
However, neither attacking or avoiding conflict upholds the true peace and unity that we are called to as Christians. So important is unity, that a fundamental expression of ‘living a life worthy of the calling we have received’ is to ‘make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace’ (Eph. 4:1-3). The unity we have as Christians has been established by Jesus, who has brought us into one body. So precious is this unity that we are to do all we can to protect and uphold it – neither avoiding or attacking conflict, but responding in a way that leads to greater peace between believers.
First of all, this prompts me to repent. I don’t value having unity with my brothers and sisters in Christ as much as I should. It is much easier to keep my distance from those who I find difficult, or who I have been hurt by. It is far more comfortable to criticise from a distance and harbour anger in my heart, than to seek genuine unity and peace.
But secondly, it raises the question of how to handle conflict in a way that promotes rather than undermines unity? Well, a few verses later we are given the wonderfully simple, yet deeply rich instruction to ‘speak the truth in love’ (4:15) to one another. This of course applies more widely, but is nonetheless essential when responding to conflict.
In conflict situations, it is all too easy to pick up on certain facts and leave others out; to exaggerate some things and minimise others; effectively, to twist the truth to suit my purposes. Or, to shy away from speaking the truth altogether to avoid the awkwardness and anxiety that comes from honest conversation. But instead we are called to speak the truth – plainly, openly, accurately, honestly – about the other person, ourselves, and the situation.
Yes, at the same time there is no room for unbridled, harsh, or unnecessary truth speaking. Because speaking the truth must be tempered by love in considering what is best for the other person: ‘Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen’ (v.29). It is love for the other person that drives and constrains our truth-speaking.
So, as we engage in conflict (which we are bound to at some point or another) let us beware our tendency to avoid or attack. Instead, let us keep in mind the call to speak the truth in love to one another. And let us ask that the Lord would give us such an appreciation for the unity that we have as followers of Jesus, that we would make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit, through the bond of peace.
