How does clinical depression relate to a Biblical faith?

Two readers of en share their experiences and what they have learned

Depression – one ordinary man’s experience...

This is a testimony of my experience which hopefully will be of help to those who are called to tread the same path.

I want to start by going back to October 1988 when I became unwell with a ‘virus’ which was eventually diagnosed as Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (M.E.). This caused me to be retired on health grounds in 1995. You will hopefully see the significance of this later.

It is now helpful to give some family history. I am married with four grown-up children, two walking with the Lord and two not, one with a history of drug addiction. In the early 1990s my mother came to live with us as she was suffering with Alzheimer’s. The Lord called her home to be with Him in 1999.

So much for the history, let’s now move on to the year 2001. In August my wife was rushed into hospital with severe chest pain having previously had fainting attacks. This was followed by two other occasions of emergency admission to hospital in 2002. In this same year my youngest son, who had been drug free for three years, regressed.

In 2002 my wife and eldest daughter jokingly started to call me Victor (after the TV character Victor Meldrew from One Foot In The Grave) because they said I was getting to be a grumpy old man. I was not too happy about this as I had always been cheerful with a good sense of humour.

Early in 2003 something happened that caused me to lose control and I started to pace up and down the room. I decided I had to get out of the house and went to get the car keys. Fortunately my youngest son physically stopped me and then reasoned with me through his tears; my wife was also crying. I then went to the bedroom, flung myself onto the bed sobbing and feeling very scared because of the state I was in. It was at this stage that I told God that I was fed up with being a Job-like character and that He had pushed me too far. After a while I went back downstairs and upset my wife even more by telling her not to expect me ever to go into a church again. The rest of the evening passed with me saying virtually nothing, refusing to be comforted and being quite devoid of any feeling at all. That night I did not sleep well and kept waking. During these moments I continued to complain very strongly to God. It was during one of these moments that I felt God was saying to me ‘So you are going to let Satan win’. My response through my tiredness and anger was ‘No’.

I would like to be able to say that when I awoke next morning, I felt fine and all the previous evening’s and night’s feelings had gone, but this was not the case. The anger had perhaps gone, but I was still devoid of any real feelings at all. I did not want my wife or anyone else near me, it seemed that the real me had gone walkabout and all that was left was just an empty shell. At this stage I had no desire to pray or read God’s word, in fact I had no desire to do anything. The one incredible thing that I was aware of was that I had a God who loved me and about this I had no doubt. This did not rest on my feelings but on the word of the One who had promised never to leave or forsake me. I ought to say that I went to the doctor who diagnosed me as depressed and gave me medication.

The emptiness continued for about two months. I still had no desire to read the word of God, but toward the latter part of this period I began to pray again, mainly arrow prayers, but also on an intermittent basis for a young man who was involved in the war in Basra. (I have since realised that because of my lack of any feelings whatsoever, just as I was not able to have an intimate relationship with my wife neither was I able to have that kind of relationship with my Heavenly Father.) I was determined that, although there was a lack of communion with the Lord, I was not going to allow Satan to condemn me, because I knew that Jesus did not condemn me but understood all that was happening to me.

After this period of about two months, I asked my wife if she would read from God’s word to me with the proviso that it was not too long. I also asked if she would pray with me, again only short prayers. Looking back I can now see that this was because my concentration span was very short. Eventually during the third month, I started to read and pray on my own and again with my wife. I had not been able to attend church as I did not feel able to deal with people. One one occasion, when I was in town (I had to go as my wife was unwell), I saw some very good friends and hid myself from them. I then was in a panic all the way back to the car in case I came face-to-face with anyone else.

The Sunday eventually came when I felt able to attend church again and meet people. What I did not expect was the panic I felt on entering and I asked my wife to not leave me on my own. I realized that I was physically shaking and did not want anyone to speak to me. We left church during the last hymn. Over the next few weeks, I became more able to cope and was again able to have normal conversations with church folk and welcome and speak to visitors. I am now back to normal and am thankful to the Lord that He has carried me through this situation and has given me just a little experience of what some people suffer constantly.

So, what lessons have been learnt?

Firstly, some things that were said were not helpful: ‘Yes, I often feel a bit down too’; ‘When the sun shines again you will feel better’. And then there is the silence that says: ‘But you are a Christian, you shouldn’t be depressed’. The most helpful words said were: ‘I cannot possibly understand how you are feeling, but if you feel able to tell me perhaps it will help me, in some small way, to understand’. I’m sure Job would have liked a friend like this.

If you want to visit then ring first. One of the effects of depression is extreme fatigue and the person may not feel up to a visit, but don’t be put off – ring again later.

I think it is important to state here that the depressed person’s spouse is also in an alien situation. The person they have known, perhaps for many years, has had a complete personality change, albeit temporary in my case. This is the time when they need to have extra friendship shown, but what often seems to happen is that people withdraw because they do not know what to say or how. So please do not forget that there are at least two people greatly affected by a depressional illness.

So, what have I learnt or re-learnt spiritually? God is sovereign and as such has a complete right to do with us as He sees fit. Within this we have the promises that ‘He will never leave us or forsake us’ (Heb.13:5) and that ‘His grace is sufficient’ (2 Cor. 12:9) for any situation we find ourselves in.

What have I struggled with?

The question, why? Why I am like this? I have this desire to serve and yet because of circumstances I am greatly restricted. Paul, in Philippians 3:11, tells us that he had learned the secret of being content in every situation. I cannot say that with him, but have started to learn just a little of what this means.

If you, who are reading this testimony, have been informed and encouraged then we can together praise our wonderful God. He never promised us a life free from trouble, but He has promised to be with us and will eventually bring us home to be with Him.

The writer has asked to remain anonymous for understandable reasons.

Depression - a vicious cycle...

Depression is hard. It is as confusing as it is painful. The deeply melancholic know, short of some type of psychosis, that they are in fact melancholic. They know that they are not processing reality clearly and that their view of it is grossly misconstrued.

And yet – here is the hard part – such individuals feel completely ill-equipped to address these confounded emotions. They are stuck, caught in a vicious and unwieldy cycle of despair – one that appears to have no solution, no end.

This was me recently, due to some concerns about my job status. At first, I carried but a general apprehension. Unfortunately, this benign, proportionate response was short-lived, for it quickly metastasised into an all-out panic attack. It was an awful season. I could not sleep or eat. I was completely inundated with fear, and consequently became paralysed by it.

The likely solution was a somewhat surprising one. I would like to say that my pastor’s preaching is what halted the cycle, but sitting under such exposition had no apparent impact. I would like to say that my fervent pleas to the Lord in prayer are what pulled me out of the ditch, but offering such petitions had no apparent impact. I would like to say that the tremendous support and encouragement from my wife, family and friends is what caused me to see the light, but receiving such godly care had no apparent impact.

So, what moved the dial? Having been prescribed a variety of antidepressants during the course of this season, one in particular finally took hold and cleared the fog. I am now back to my old self.

While I am thankful a solution was found, the experience left me in a precarious spiritual state for weeks after. My mind became flooded with questions that hit at the very core of Christ’s identity. Did the Lord abandon me? Did He walk away from me? Did He become uninterested in helping me with my struggles? Was He withholding His care?

As stated earlier, I know I was not thinking rationally, but why? The language I used in framing the circumstance (see the fourth paragraph) perhaps is one clue. I use the adjective ‘apparent’ repeatedly. The word means something easily/readily seen or obvious. What I thought was obvious and thus true was anything but. Readily (and correctly) seeing something is a function of knowing. For the depressed, seeing is too often a function of feeling. It certainly was for me. Emotion, not reason, formed my disposition.

The culprit here is I stopped knowing. I was no longer having my daily devotions whereby I could avail myself of the protective truths of Scripture. The Bible is replete with passages that speak to Jesus’ uninterrupted presence in the lives of the blood bought, and I ignored all of them. I was too busy worrying, spending every waking hour playing out worst-case scenarios. Absent the counterbalancing impact of facts, my unbridled emotions began to wreak havoc on my soul.

Jesus did not abandon me. Quite the opposite. He was actively pursuing me – using every sermon, every prayer, every godly care towards that end. Regardless of what I felt and thought I saw, He was omnipotently interceding. This includes the realm of the medicinal. The physician who prescribed the drug that ultimately worked was not my local psychiatrist; it came from someone who works for a clinic in Chicago, some seven hours from home. The referral did not come from my local health-care team; it came from two or three different families from church. The referral was not sought; it came unsolicited. Does this sound like luck or coincidence? Hardly. This was a God thing. I now see that.

Nothing will ever separate us from the Lord’s great grace and mercy. ‘For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord’ (Rom. 8:38-39, ESV). He is never not there. ‘It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed’ (Deut. 31:8, ESV).

I have always been a bit suspicious of my emotions. This most recent event has only increased that concern, reaching a point now where I no longer trust my own inclinations. Whether this is prudent or not, I do not know. But what I do know is that my peace is contingent upon me taking ‘every thought captive to obey Christ’ (2 Cor. 10:5, ESV). To ensure facts are indeed facts, my thoughts need to be measured against Scripture to test their validity. I need to ensure they are grounded in the steadfast love of Christ. Failure to do so will only invite more seasons of great pain.

May the Lord give me both the wisdom and strength to consistently seek the counsel of His word.