Preparing for the next frontier in sexual ethics: polyamory and more

The first same-sex marriages in the UK took place in 2014. A decade later, many of us Christians feel we are still playing catchup: we are trying to get our heads around same-sex sexuality and how to hold on to our Biblical conviction that marriage is the lifelong union of a man and a woman while simultaneously loving well those who are attracted to people of the same sex. We are wrestling with how both to love God and love our neighbour in relation to same-sex sexuality.

But while Christians have been playing catch-up, wider society has been continuing to develop its sexual ethic. Same-sex relationships aren’t really a point of debate for most people in modern Western society. In fact, to many, it seems obvious that two people of the same sex should be able to marry.

Today, a new frontier is emerging in sexual ethics, one that is likely to grow significantly in acceptance and practice in coming years, and one that Christians ought to start thinking about now. That new frontier is polyamory. We need to start wrestling with how both to love God and love our neighbour in relation to polyamory.

What is polyamory?

Polyamory is the practice of engaging in polyamorous relationships – relationships between three or more people that are emotionally, romantically and, sometimes, sexually intimate and where all involved have consented to the form of the relationship. So, for example, three people might be in a throuple, a romantically and sexually intimate relationship. Or one individual might be dating two people who are not in a relationship with each other; that would be in a polyamorous vee.

Polyamory sits within the broader category of consensual non-monogamy, an umbrella term for any sexual relationship where those involved agree that the relationship is not exclusive. The most famous example of consensually non-monogamous relationships would be open marriages, marriage relationships in which partners agree that each can engage in sexual activity with other people.

Here and here to stay

Polyamory and consensual non-monogamy might sound to many of us like something out of a soap opera or the reserve of libertarian communities on the edge of mainstream society, but both are growing fast – in terms of acceptance and practice – in the mainstream.

This growth has been quietly ongoing for a number of years, but it’s looking as if 2024 will be ‘the year of polyamory and consensual non-monogamy’. In May, online magazine Slate declared: ‘Consensual non-mongamy is now officially mainstream.’ The declaration may be a little pre-emptive, but the point is probably not far off. The first half of this year has seen an explosion in the visibility of both polyamory and consensual non-monogamy.

Back in January, New York Magazine ran an issue titled ‘Polyamory: A Practical Guide for the Curious’. The same month, Molly Roden Winter published her book More: A Memoir of Open Marriage which made The New York Times’ bestsellers list at the start of February. In the months that have followed, media coverage of polyamory and consensual non-monogamy has been continuing to grow (to get a flavour, take a look at polyinthemedia.blogspot.com).

We are also seeing increasing representation of polyamory and consensual non-monogamy in popular media. This representation has been growing for a number of years with significant portrayals in shows like the BBC’s Wanderlust (2018) and Trigonometry (2020) and Channel 4’s The Couple Next Door (2023). This year has seen the release of reality TV shows like Couple to Throuple and a three-way relationship in the third season of Netflix series Bridgerton. This year’s films are also featuring non-monogamy: Challengers portrays a relationship that develops between three tennis players, and soon-to-be-released National Anthem tells the story of a cowboy who meets a polyamorous couple. These examples and others have caused Vanity Fair to declare ‘The summer of the throuple is upon us’. In a similar way, an article published by Book Riot says ‘2024 is the year of queer polyamorous books’.

Polyamory and consensual non-monogamy are becoming more visible, and it’s happening quickly. This month actually sees the ‘Week of Visibility for Non-Monogamy’, an event which was just a day last year and has been extended to a full week this year. The initiative carries the tagline, ‘Together, we can normalize non-monogamy’. The organisers of the event have rightly recognised that visibility is important and powerful – it has the power to change public opinion. And chances are it will, possibly quite quickly.

Most secular people in the modern West will not yet be convinced that polyamory and consensual non-monogamy are good or right. But the instinctive discomfort many feel about such relationships is unlikely to last. Most secular people won’t have any solid reasons to back up their discomfort, and the increased visibility will normalise polyamory and consensual non-monogamy as it portrays them as both harmless and as contributing to people’s happiness.

Chances are, many people will go through the same journey they have with same-sex relationships: starting with an instinctive discomfort which has little to ground it and which gradually dissipates as they become aware of more people in same-sex relationships who aren’t hurting anyone and who seem to be happy, until the discomfort has gone and they get to a point of wondering why they ever felt uncomfortable with the idea of same-sex relationships. What has happened with same-sex relationships is likely to happen with polyamory and consensual non-monogamy, and for many people the process has already started.

Preparing to respond

All of this means it’s time for Christians to prepare to respond. Polyamory and consensual non-monogamy are here and probably here to stay. We can’t know exactly how things will pan out over the coming years, but there’s a good chance that acceptance and practice of these relationship forms will continue and grow further. Recognising that gives us the chance to start preparing now so we can respond well then. So often, Christians have been on the back foot with significant changes in society’s views on sex and relationships, and we’ve been left playing catch-up – much as we are now with same-sex sexuality. The result of that is that we miss many opportunities to help people see and experience the goodness of God’s plan, and we often end up doing a load of damage on the way.

What will it look like to respond well and how do we prepare now so we can do that then? It means seeking to love both God and our neighbour and to hold those two things hand in hand, preparing for each.

Preparing to love God in a society increasingly accepting polyamory and consensual non-monogamy means more deeply understanding God’s good plan for human sexuality and relationships. That means thinking about the ‘why’, not just the ‘what’.

We know that God has designed and reserved sex and marriage for lifelong unions of a man and a woman, but why has He done that? What’s the problem with a loving, committed relationship between three or more adults? Why would a God of love object to relationships with more love? These are the kinds of questions we need to wrestle with. They’re the kinds of questions we can expect people to be asking us in the years to come. They’re questions that require us to think deeply about God’s ultimate purpose for sex and marriage – to be pictures of the relationship between Christ and the church.

Preparing to love God in this context will mean not only being able to answer questions about God’s plan, but also joyfully and faithfully embracing it ourselves. For all of us that will have areas of cost – desires we have to deny, difficult choices we have to make as we walk the path of Christian faithfulness. Perhaps for many of us the temptation may not be towards polyamory or consensual non-monogamy, but there will be temptation, and for most of us that will include in the areas of sexuality and relationships.

As we live out God’s plan ourselves, we not only set an example for others, presenting to the world God’s better plan, we also experience its goodness. We taste and see that God’s ways are good and that will equip us to confidently proclaim His good news to others.

Preparing to love our neighbour in a society increasingly accepting polyamory and consensual non-monogamy means thinking about heart attitudes. We need to think about our own heart attitudes towards those who engage in polyamory or consensual non-monogamy.

Many of us will have strong emotional reactions to what is happening in wider society. We need to examine those reactions and choose to respond to them in godly ways. That means remembering that every person is made and loved by God, even those living out of step with His plan for human sexuality, and even those who may be on a deliberate quest to ensure the widespread acceptance of these relationship forms. We must remember that, were it not for the grace of God to us, we could be in their shoes. And we must remember that when Jesus encountered sinners, He treated them with love and respect because His desire was for them to find forgiveness and true life in Him. By the Spirit, we must seek to cultivate the same heart attitudes.

We also need to think about the hearts of those pursuing polyamory and consensual non-monogamy. For many, the driving desires in their hearts may be good – a desire to love and be loved, to connect deeply with others, and to find true satisfaction through relationship. They are looking for good things but, heartbreakingly, they are looking in the wrong place. We know where and how those desires can truly be met – in relationships that conform to God’s plan, which may include marriage and will, for all of us, include friendship, and ultimately relationship with God through Christ. Thinking in this way, we may find that the growth of polyamory and consensual non-monogamy actually highlights ways we can connect the good news of the gospel with people in our culture.

Polyamory and consensual non-monogamy are going to be the next frontier in sexual ethics. They could also be a wonderful opportunity for the gospel. Let’s prepare, so that we can love God and love our neighbour well.

Andrew has explored these themes in more detail in his booklet Three or More: Reflections on Polyamory and Consensual Non-Monogamy published this month by Grove Books.