As I write this paragraph, the Christian world has been rocked with various scandals and public disagreements.
Sometimes it seems we bounce from one controversy to the next, and they all play out on social media before a watching world. Each week something new seems to surface. I won’t even give examples since, by the time you read this, they will likely seem like ancient history!
But sadly, as you read this article, there will almost certainly be new disagreements that are producing more heat than light, alienating people and hardening them against each other, and doing nothing to advance the cause of Christ. If you are paying attention to the state of discourse in the body of Christ, you are probably well familiar with this troubling trend by now.
Disagreement itself is not the problem. But what grieves me these days is the way we conduct our disagreements: without any sense of love for one another. In the worst cases, we display the same rancor and ‘cancel culture’ tactics of the world around us.
If I could change one thing about public Christian discourse, it would be this: that all our disagreements, however vigorous, would be constrained and beautified by two great teachings of Jesus – His words in John 13 about love and in John 17 about unity:
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. (John 13:34-35)
I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me. The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me. (John 17:20-23)
What stands out in both (note what I have emphasised) is that the world’s perception of Jesus is affected by how Christians treat one another. Note, not by how we treat the world. No, Jesus is teaching that the way Christians treat each other will affect how the world responds to the gospel. And what Jesus calls us to is this: love.
Disagreement as apologetic
Now, granted, working out what love looks like in different scenarios may be complicated. But the basic principle here is quite simple: when we love other Christians, we make the gospel more credible in the eyes of the world. When we fail to love other Christians, we put stumbling blocks in the paths of our friends considering the claims of Christianity.
The 20th-century theologian Francis Schaeffer spoke much of these chapters in John in calling for Christians to love each other. He termed Christian love the ‘final apologetic’, emphasising that Jesus gave the world the right to judge whether we are Christians by whether we live out the gospel’s call to love each other.
One profoundly important way in which Christians love each other is in how we disagree. And friends, today we are largely failing at loving each other in our disagreements!
In disagreement, one way in which love manifests itself is by desiring to win the person more than the argument. Schaeffer wisely wrote [in his 1970 book The Mark of the Christian]: ‘We all love to win. In fact, there is nobody who loves to win more than the theologian … But we should understand that what we are working for in the midst of our differences is a solution – a solution that will give God the glory, that will be true to the Bible, but will exhibit the love of God simultaneously with his holiness. What is our attitude as we sit down to talk to our brother or as group meets with group to discuss differences? A desire to come out on top? To play one-upmanship? If there is any desire for love whatsoever, every time we discuss a difference, we will desire a solution and not just that we can be proven right.’
Disagreement as surrender
In any disagreement, we must lay down any desire to come out on top, to win, to look good. These concerns must die at the foot of the cross. Instead, our ambition should be to honour the truth in love. For some of us, this means taking courage to speak out. But for others, it means remembering the priority of love. Truth without love is not only insufficient but ugly.
The call to love means we must also lay aside any agenda that has to do with our own reputation or ego or selfish desires, and instead seek the broader good of the kingdom of Christ. In every disagreement, we must constantly ask: ‘What will be pleasing to Christ?’ And also: ‘What will build up my brother or my sister?’
Love is not easy or formulaic, and it does not mean the absence of accountability or expression of concern. But it does mean that we sincerely, with all our hearts, wish others well, even amid our disagreements. It is through love that we can find the healing of our divisions in the church and find ways to move forward. ‘Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins’ (1 Peter 4:8).
Love is the essential key to the art of disagreeing. If we have sincere love for others, all the other principles of learning how to disagree well fall into place (and, when they don’t, we’ll be quick to recognise that and be ready to say sorry and ask for forgiveness). The art of disagreeing rests on the presence of real love. And this love must start in our hearts with a deep acceptance of what Christ has done for us on the cross.
The more we appreciate the magnitude of what He has done for us – providing full forgiveness and new life – the more we can carry this love with us into our relationships with others, especially our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.
A vision for healthy disagreement
Can you imagine how the church might be changed and the world might be impacted if we conducted our disagreements with the love of Christ? Isn’t that worth recommitting ourselves to and prioritising in everything else we do? Will you join me in seeking this afresh?
Picture a conversation at [a family meal] table with this mindset. Disagreements arise, and it is uncomfortable. But each person also leaves the conversation feeling respected and sensing that the others around the table were ultimately for them, not against them. There was not agreement, but there was love. Don’t we all want to see more of this?
I realise that not every disagreement will play out this way. There are some people we may need to simply avoid because they are unsafe. And there are some conversations we need to wait on. But as we look for opportunities to stretch forward in love toward those with whom we disagree, the Lord may open surprising doors. We may even find our holiday meals growing longer, and more interesting.
Jesus, fill our hearts to the brim until they overflow with love to others. No matter how vigorous our disagreements may be, may your love shine through so powerfully that the world may see that you are real. Amen.
This article is adapted from Chapter 5 of The Art of Disagreeing by Gavin Ortlund which he wrote because he has been grieved about the lovelessness in the church today. He hopes the book will give readers realistic pathways forward for navigating disagreements in their lives. This is important because Jesus taught that the world will recognise we are his disciples by how we love each other.
See en's review of The Art of Disagreeing
