Sometimes we do not know what to say. Those moments when a friend tells us of a terminal diagnosis – those days when we watch horrors unfold on the international scene – those times we visit someone whose ill health is not improving, has not improved for many a year, and our question “How are you doing?” is simply met with the familiar “The same.” Sometimes no words of hope spring to mind.
It can be frustrating to be without a response. Most of us, in church circles, want to be able to say something that encourages – something that brings hope. Indeed, those of us in any position of responsibility can sometimes feel a real pressure to come up with a great thought – an apt Bible verse – that is going to make a real difference. Of course, we’re humble enough to know we cannot make everything better, but surely we should be able to make some inroads, we think.
Sometimes we force ourselves to come out with a Biblical truth, an expression of hope that may be well meant but often falls flat. When despair is in the air, even the most nuanced version of “keep going, God’s got this … remember this verse” can feel trite. It can give the impression we haven’t quite grasped the enormity of the situation being faced. At worst, it can compound the pain people are experiencing. It can feel like we are trying to put a sticking plaster on a gaping wound.
Uncomfortable with being finite
So, what should we do? First, attend to our own heart. Why is it that we feel the pressure to say something that will bring change? Is it that we fear man – are we concerned people will think ill of us if we don’t say something wise? Is it that we long to be God – do we secretly yearn to be the one who can make things right? It might be an inner wrestle with shame – we inwardly feel useless and tainted and so we want to be seen to be doing something good so others never find out how awful we consider ourselves to be. Or that we are simply uncomfortable sitting with the pain of others. It could be that we are believing the lie that those in ministry should always know what to say or do, as if our creatureliness got left at the door when we were appointed to our role. It could be a desire to love others gone astray – a right desire to care, but an insistence that such care needs to involve our words in our chosen timing.
The human heart can be a murky place. So many mixed motives, idolatrous desires, intermingle with good and Christ-like instincts to want to love. The desire for diligence weaves seamlessly with perfectionistic tendencies and a pressure to get it all right. But sometimes there are no words to improve a situation – to try to find some is folly in the extreme.
Confident in the One who is infinite
It is in those moments where our call is simply to sit with the one who is struggling and lift our eyes to the One who knows the true depth of their pain. We can turn to Job, to the Psalms, to Lamentations – not to find that cracking verse that will make things better – but to echo the vocabulary that God gives his children to describe their pain. The pit, the darkness, the web that entangles, the mire, the despair, the loneliness, the isolation… Our precious, heavenly Father in His wisdom has given us words to express the hopelessness that this fallen world brings. It is not in glossing over that pain that we find hope, but it is in seeing how deep it goes, hearing the many and varied descriptions of pain that God has to offer… and seeing that however deep we plunge, our God of love and power is there.
There is beauty and humility in not knowing what to say. Indeed it is good not to be able to make things better – but simply to trust the One who is.
