Why Matthew 18 doesn’t apply to spiritual abuse

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector” (Matt.18:15-17).

Matthew 18:15-17 is often the blueprint for resolving conflicts in church settings. It outlines a process:

1. First, approach the person privately
2. If that doesn’t work, take one or two others along.
3. If they refuse to listen, bring it to the church.

For everyday conflicts, this approach encourages open communication and restoration. However, the Bible also calls Christians to protect the vulnerable, seek justice, and not force reconciliation where harm has been done.

“Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked” (Ps.82:4 NIV).

Jesus himself warned about the severity of harming the vulnerable: “If anyone causes one of these little ones– those who believe in me – to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea” (Mark 9:42).

Spiritual abuse

The term “spiritual abuse” is contentious, but Thirtyone:eight defines it as: “A form of emotional and psychological abuse. It is characterised by a systematic pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour in a religious context. Spiritual abuse can have a deeply damaging impact on those who experience it. However, holding a theological position is not in itself inherently spiritually abusive, but misuse of Scripture, applied theology and doctrine is often a component of spiritually abusive behaviour.”

Misapplying Matthew 18 in cases of spiritual abuse can cause further harm. Here’s why.

1. Power dynamics. Matthew 18 assumes an equal relationship between the individuals involved – “if your brother…” – suggests a balanced dynamic. However spiritual abuse often involves a leader and a follower, creating an unequal relationship.

Leaders are often seen as spiritually gifted or “anointed”. This can lead to a belief that these leaders can do no wrong, or that it is inappropriate to challenge them. This belief enables leaders to cause harm. Abuse happens when leaders misuse their authority to harm others.

2. The risk of being alone with an abuser. Matthew 18’s first step can place a victim-survivor in danger. In cases of abuse, meeting alone with the perpetrator increases the risk of further harm. In no other circumstances would a victim-survivor be recommended to be alone with the person who has abused them. The same principle applies here.

3. It can be used to silence victim-survivors. One of the most harmful misuses of Matthew 18 is using it to silence victims.

Victim-survivors may be told they failed to follow the Biblical process if they didn’t first confront the abuser privately. They may feel pressured not to speak up because they are too afraid to speak to the abuser alone. This shifts responsibility onto the victim rather than the perpetrator, and risks continuing harm.

4. It fails to recognise the need for external help. “Speak out on behalf of the voiceless, and for the rights of all who are vulnerable” (Prov. 31:8).

Church leaders often insist that abuse cases be handled internally, citing Matthew 18 as justification. This isolates the victim and shields the church from external accountability. This approach prioritises the church’s reputation over the victim’s well-being, allowing abuse to persist. External oversight by safeguarding bodies, mental health experts or legal authorities is essential to address such cases effectively.

What should we do instead?

Rather than misapplying Matthew 18, churches must take abuse seriously from the outset. This means:

• Believing victim-survivors and creating a safe space for them to speak.
• Following safeguarding policies and practices.
• Holding leaders accountable rather than protecting reputations.
• Recognising when independent investigation is needed.
• Involving statutory authorities when appropriate.
• Understanding that true Biblical justice involves exposing wrongdoing, not just seeking quiet resolution.

Spiritual abuse is a deep violation of trust and power. Let’s commit to creating safer places, supporting those who have been hurt and holding those in power accountable for their actions.