It can be tough to be single in church. Both British society and our Christian sub-culture see partnerships as “normal” and singleness as “other” or “odd”.
And yet British churches are full of people who are single, be they teenagers, young adults, middle-aged, divorcees, widows, widowers, or retired missionaries. They may have very different experiences of singleness, but they do have one thing in common: they don’t fit neatly into family-centric church activities. Here are five suggestions from a newly-wed former long-time single on how to partner well with singles in your churches.
(1) Listen well
“Everyone should be quick to listen” (James 1v19).
It can be easy to assume that one understands the single experience – after all we were all single once! But to be single in one’s early 20s is very different to being single in middle-age or later life. Male experiences of singleness may also be different to those of women. Do you feel confident that you understand the unique challenges faced by each non-married member of your congregation? The support and partnership they require may include practical help, company, encouragement, someone to pray with, and accountability in sin struggles. Just like married folks there isn’t a “one size fits all” discipleship model!
(2) Teach on singleness
“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2 Tim.3v16).
In 20 years of adult church attendance, only one of the 1,000+ church sermons I have listened to has been on the topic of singleness. Since singleness is a sensitive topic it is understandable that few are willing to risk causing offence! But all members of our congregations benefit when we teach on the topic, including teenagers who may never marry and need to be prepared for single as well as married life. If you have planned a sermon series on marriage, how about preaching on singleness too? If you don’t feel you have the requisite knowledge, how about asking a mature single to preach, or gathering insights from the people who are single in your congregation as part of your sermon preparation? Working with local churches to hold a conference on issues facing singles could also be a blessing to single people in the wider body of Christ.
(3) Support and affirm their ministry
“From him the whole body … grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work” (Eph. 4v16).
Single people are uniquely placed for ministry (1 Cor. 7v34) so we should mentor, train and disciple them at least as much as we would married congregation members.
In some church contexts there seems to be nervousness about single leaders: maybe subconsciously we assume they are less mature because they haven’t experienced family life? And yet the majority of the New Testament’s teaching on marriage was preached and written by unmarried men.
A little mentoring, support and accountability could allow our single brothers and sisters to use their God-given gifts. It can be tough being pastorally responsible for others as a single person, since one lacks the emotional and prayer support of a spouse. This can however be mitigated by putting them in small pastoral ministry teams where there is mutual support, or providing regular check-ins from an older Christian prayer partner.
(4) Planning for the whole body
“Jesus said: ‘Take care of my sheep’.” (John 21v16).
In pastoral care, it’s easy to respond to whoever shouts loudest – and on a Sunday morning, that’s definitely the children! There is clearly a need for some demographic-based groups and activities. Yet most single people who I have spoken to are not looking for their own group: they want to be better integrated into church family life and enjoy cross-generational fellowship.
Young adults’ and pensioners’ groups can provide good companionship in singleness, but there can be an awkward moment when one graduates from the 20s and 30s group … into nothingness!
One friend’s church has a social group open to everyone, where one can send an open invite on WhatsApp to watch football, eat pizza, or play pool. My church has a mid-week Open House which is open to anyone looking for company, and has been a great blessing to many singles and families (not least because a meal is thrown in!).
Living the Christian life in a secular context is challenging: regular time meeting with brothers and sisters mid-week helps fight both loneliness and sin. These groups can serve as family for single church members who don’t have a nuclear family of their own to share the joys and challenges of daily life with. This means that halting mid-week activities during school holidays can be really tough for people who are single, who are also unlikely to take holidays then. A solution could be to hold one-off events such as prayer evenings, worship nights or social activities during these times.
(5) Model & encourage hospitality
“An overseer … must be hospitable” (Titus 1v8).
As a young single woman, I used to envy families rushing home from the Sunday service to put their scrumptious Sunday lunch in the oven, and I would linger as long as possible to avoid facing my microwaved leftovers.
Teaching from the pulpit about being the family of Christ can feel a little hollow when faced with a depressingly long and empty Sunday afternoon before the work week kicks in again. It may feel most natural to invite another couple or family around for dinner, but please urge your congregation to move outside their comfort zones and invite people around who are not like them.
When hospitality is modelled by leaders, the rest of the congregation follows. As I write, my pastor and wife are on sabbatical so can’t run their Open House, but members of the congregation are stepping up to provide hospitality in their absence, fulfilling the call on all Christians to “practice hospitality” (Rom.12v13). I have shared some practical tips elsewhere on how singles can be proactive in providing hospitality themselves!
It can be tough to be single in church. I hope and pray this article has provided some practical ideas as to how to make single people feel known and loved, and to grow their God-given potential. Why not share this article with a non-married person in your congregation and reflect together on how your church could partner with singles better?
