How do we lead without manipulating?

Note: This article contains content that may be triggering for some readers.

I recently had a really helpful call from someone, and it made me think more about manipulation in Christian ministry.

Sadly, manipulation has been, and for some people - who are on the "receiving end," still is - a crushing reality in churches. And that, especially in its extreme form, is hugely damaging. I once asked a friend to define leadership and he immediately replied “influence.” But how can we lead people, influence people, without manipulating?

It is possible, although for some of us, with all that’s happened in recent years, we do tend to fall shy of actually leading. But churches need leading. They really do. How can we therefore lead (whether that’s a small group, youth group, 20s & 30s group, or a whole church) without manipulating people?

I wonder if we should review our ministries - our last one-to-one, our last sermon, our next sermon - and ask to what degree we were or would be manipulating people. I’m sure we’d all agree that manipulation is bad and wrong. And I hope most of us would agree that we could all do it; we all have the potential. Sometimes, I’m afraid to say, we may have done it deliberately…

Could I ask you about your real motivations? This next conversation, your next sermon, your last sermon, your last meeting - was it genuinely not about you, but about desiring the best for others? And did your manner really help them?

And were the Fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5v22-23) evident in your life as you preached, counselled, talked, chaired, organised, helped others? It seems to me that if you were manipulative, they probably weren't.

I’ve picked just five Fruits of the Spirit to give us some focus in what follows, although all parts are relevant to our leadership:

1. Love. Do you genuinely love the people you lead, and therefore want the best for them? Is that love sacrificial, putting them first, and therefore before your wants or needs?
2. Patience. Impatient people can be manipulative because they struggle to wait; they can’t wait for others to do what they want them to do.
3. Kindness. Have you been kind? If I said what I’m intending to say and in the way I intended to say it, would that be kind? We know Jesus was kind. How about you?
4. Gentleness. I guess you could manipulate gently. But even then I think: underneath would lie a far from gentle heart.
5. Self-control. Interesting isn’t it, that one Fruit of the Spirit is self-control, when those who manipulate are trying to control others. So is your lack of self-control leading you to seek to control, and even to manipulate others?

Is there anything here you’d like to be praying about? Is there anything you would do well to talk to someone else about? Is there anything you’d like to say “sorry” for?

I guess we all need to pray that we’d be leaders and not manipulators.

If you are affected by any of the issues raised in this story, help is available via: FearFree Support (www.fearfree.org.uk); the Safe Spaces helpline on 0300 303 1056 / safespacesenglandandwales.org.uk; The Samaritans helpline - 116 123; The National Association for People Abused in Childhood napac.org.uk.