A TIME TO CARE
Loving your elderly parents
By Emily Ackerman. Inter-Varsity Press. 190 pages. £7.99
ISBN 978-1-84474-487-9
‘I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which have actually happened.’ So quips Mark Twain, quoted in the ‘To Ponder’ section that comes at the end of each chapter of this very helpful book.
As the sub-title suggests, A Time to Care is all about caring for our elderly parents, which can seem a really daunting task when it first comes upon us, but which, as author Emily Ackerman helpfully explains, can also have many positive aspects.
Emily writes very much from experience, having been a doctor, voluntary counsellor and parent-carer, and then herself been disabled by a chronic illness. There is a moving section where she describes how she found being on the receiving end of caring.
Ringing bells
I was pleasantly surprised how non-technical this book is; the style is easy to read, and the author is honest, realistic, practical, sensitive and balanced — and, importantly, introduces most chapters with reflections drawn from Scripture which help root parent-caring in biblical principles. Having in a small way helped my Mum care for Dad as hospital visits became more frequent, before he was suddenly diagnosed with terminal cancer, went home, and died three weeks later, and then — along with my siblings — assisted Mum through Dad’s estate, and then her own diagnosis of terminal cancer and eventual brief stay in a hospice, I found that almost every page of this book rang bells with me and struck chords that resonated clearly. My own experience was caring from nearby, shared with siblings, and both parents were Christians. My admiration goes out to those parent-carers whose situation is much more challenging.
Emily covers in turn all the main aspects of caring for our elderly parents: suddenly finding we are in the role; finding time to care; handling the pressure; sometimes sandwiched between our children and our parents; handling the difficult issue that though we are their children caring for them, we are now adults; coping with difficult emotions; caring specifically for parents with dementia; adapting to needs that change with time; sharing the gospel with unbelieving parents; caring from a distance, if not a live-in parent-carer; and coping with the decline of frail parents and their eventual death.
There are ‘To Ponder’ points at the end of each chapter. These are not so much study guide-type questions as practical reminders of the chapter’s main points and questions to gently encourage us to consider the practical implications for us and our parents. These are very well done, and also include pithy and sometimes humorous quotations (‘Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.’ Anon). In addition, there is an excellent appendix with details of a host of relevant resources to aid us, whether books, online resources, websites for young carers, or telephone support and information.
I found this an extremely helpful book, even though both my parents are now with the Lord (another book on the subject is If it’s not too much trouble by Ann Benton, Christian Focus, 978-1-84550-302-4, £5.99). The principles in it could also aid those caring e.g. for children or relatives with special needs or disability. This book is obviously best read before you reach the stage of parent-carer, since once that ministry is upon you, you will find yourself often stressed, exhausted and with reduced time, energy and inclination to read it. So, to slightly misquote the Rev. Sydney Smith: ‘Do not put off reading until tomorrow what you could read today, since if you read it today and enjoy it, you can read it again tomorrow’!
Richard John,
bookstall manager, Selhurst Evangelical Church (FIEC), SE London
