DESPERATE
Hope for the Mom who Needs to Breathe
By Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson
Thomas Nelson. 240 pages. £10.99
ISBN 978 1 400 204 663
Refugees near the Channel Tunnel are desperate; parents of terminally-ill children similarly. But surely not young mothers, whose infants are healthy, who live in the land where the average refrigerator is the size of a small car, who have enough money to go out regularly for coffee or breakfast and who are also believers in Christ. Can they be described as desperate? Apparently so, according to this book. Apparently it is a terrible thing to be a mother at home.
I hasten to add that this is not a book about post-natal depression. Although the word depression is frequently used, the writers use it to describe feeling somewhat fed up. Reading it was an education.
Two women
It is written by two women: Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson. Sarah Mae had, at time of writing, three children under the age of six and described herself as a blogger and lover of salted caramel mochas. Sally Clarkson’s numerous children are older, and she is a writer and conference speaker in the US.
Each chapter is introduced by a weary, worn and sad letter from the younger woman and a patient, cuddly reply from the older one. The subsequent chapter then unpacks the issue with a section by each writer. Subjects cover loneliness, boredom, ‘the beast that is housework’, escape/addic-tions and other pains or pitfalls. Generally they give motherhood a pretty bad press. Although both these women say they are devoted to their precious children, they make heavy weather of the business of raising them. Chief reason? No time for me. Primary solution: find an older woman to watch your babies while you go get a salted caramel mocha or a massage. What is going on here with motherhood?
As I see it
Here is what I see put together: the generation raised under a child-centred approach are now parents themselves. They can’t help their own inflated sense of entitlement: parents trained them to think that way. The Daily Telegraph (18/7/2015) recently ran a feature on how we have lost the art of raising adults. A generation has been over-parented – ‘ferried between Mini Mozart and Mandarin classes in cars plastered with Baby on Board stickers’. Obviously over-parenting doesn't happen among poorer people. And the resulting generation are not good at standing on their own two feet. Having been raised to expect life (and other people) to deliver for you at that level and with a strong sense of mission that you need to be that kind of parent to your own offspring, there is going to be a tension. Child-centred and self-centred cannot coexist without nurturing resentment, exhaustion and guilt.
So the premise of this book made this reviewer sad for this generation. And, while I accept the challenge of Titus 2 about older women training younger women, I am not sure that Paul had in mind that I should routinely help a mother of young children with laundry.
Some readers will identify with Sarah Mae’s ‘poor me’ perspective and find it encouraging, at least in the sense that they are not alone. Some will not find the tone of Sally’s replies cheesy or grating.
Helpful stuff
Yet, beyond and behind all that, this book has some really helpful stuff. The last chapter which is a Q & A with Sally Clarkson on wide-ranging parenting issues is the best, but there are also, scattered throughout, some well-observed insights into the challenges of family life and the advice is generally sound. There are good practical tips and a healthy anti-formulaic emphasis, alongside the crucial recognition that every child is different. The reader is frequently reminded about biblical priorities and that the goal of our lives is glory to Jesus.
Where are the men?
Strangely, there is little mention of husbands and fathers, so much so that, for the first few chapters, I wondered if these women were single parents (they are not). Biblically, support in child-rearing should surely come from the co-parent within the home before it comes from the sisterhood outside it. But, having said that, it is the business of the church to mutually encourage and this book reminds us of how women can help each other as they face the various trials common to adult life. I so wanted to say to Sarah Mae ‘You know you can say “no” to your daughter when she says, “Mom, can we do a craft?” It really might be beneficial to you both.’
We want our children to grow up into healthy independent adults. And when you have a baby, it is time to grow up yourself.
