Dear Editor,
Thank you for your February feature, ‘Less sex in lockdown? It’s so refreshing to see the topic of sex discussed openly without it being in the political context of same-sex marriages, etc.
It’s always seemed wrong to me that the church tells its people not to have sex before marriage then, once married, it’s never mentioned by the church – as if it’s a dirty word, or only there for procreation.
In today’s culture, the vast majority of young people will get their so-called ‘sex education’ from pornography – which of course is an abuse of what God created as precious within marriage. But unless as pastors we offer our Christian couple a positive alternative, then there’s a strong possibility they will start to watch porn, if they are not already.
In the marriage preparation I offer couples married here, I give five resources to work through together. The first is a sheet helping them identify the baggage we all carry from one relationship to another. The second is a fun Compromise Sheet, listing all sorts of issues which can cause tension in a marriage, e.g. keeping a tight budget, ongoing regular contact with birth family, careers, and frequency of sex. The third is a summary survey to discover their ‘Love Language’. The fourth is two presents: a copy of Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages to put into practice what they’ve learnt from the survey, plus, I give each couple a copy of The Lover’s Guide DVD, to be watched together and not alone. The fifth resource is a careful going through, over two sessions at least, of the Christian understanding of marriage, and unpacking the vows they will make to each other.
In my 84 weddings in 13 years, I’ve never had a couple not want to do the preparation and, tellingly, only two couples have broken up. None has been embarrassed at all about discussing sex, in fact, they are very glad to. Many couples I marry have, of course, been living together for years and many have children. But that doesn’t mean they don’t need help – even in their sex lives.
And of course, as Glynn Harrison says in his book A Better Story, the Church would be more equipped, and more listened to in the gay sex debates, if it could articulate a better, more positive view of sex within its rightful place – marriage – and not be so prudish about discussing sex within our churches.
Yours sincerely,
Paul Eddy Vicar of Stanford, Oxfordshire
