The demands of adoption

Dear Editor,

I was pleased to read Krish Kandiah’s comments on adopted children in the December 2022 an edition of en. As adoptive parent I agree that it can be very rewarding to see a child gain confidence, learn new skills, and make progress.

However, anyone who is considering adoption should be aware of the demands that this can make on them and their relationships. Some of the problems that adoptive parents can have to address include:

* Outbursts of extreme aggression, either verbal or physical

* Faecal incontinence, withholding, or smearing (not just in infants but also in children or teenagers)

* Self-harm (e.g. cutting)

* ‘Crazy lying’ (i.e. continuing to lie in spite of irrefutable evidence to the contrary.)

* Demanding the constant attention of one parent while refusing to recognise the existence of the other

* Dangerous sexual behaviour

* School refusal

* Persistent stealing (including theft of items that are of no value or use to the child concerned)

Dealing with issues such as these can affect not just your own well-being and marriage, but also your ability to work and earn a living.

My advice to those who are considering adoption is simple: ‘By all means apply to be an adoptive parent if you believe this is right for you, but do your homework first!’

Yours sincerely,
Name and address withheld By email

The writer of this letter is an adoptive parent who wishes to remain anonymous.