From royal events to churches – how do we welcome?

Recent media coverage of the Royal Family has included concerns about racism, including one event at Buckingham Palace.

Lady-in-waiting Lady Hussey’s role had been to put guests at ease at a reception. Unfortunately, whatever her intentions, the opposite happened. There were also allegations from Prince Harry and Meghan about related areas. I’m not going to comment on those events which have received so much coverage and divided opinion. However, it makes me think about the difficulties we have trying to connect with one another.

The English are well known for talking about the weather as our way of communicating in a friendly manner without ever saying anything. Dog walkers have a special kind of conversational dance. It is entirely acceptable to ask what’s your dog called? What type of dog are they? How old are they? This conversational chatter continues while the dogs introduce themselves to each other in canine mode. Dog walkers get to know each other through their dogs. We recognise each other and may meet daily over weeks, months, and even years, yet the next step in this complicated dance of getting to know a stranger feels risky. It is a significant move from what is your dog called to asking someone their name!

Every week after church, we encourage our church families to engage in this dance – welcome one another, and talk with people you don’t know. A few outliers manage conversations with strangers easily, but most of us find it quite challenging.

It is so much easier to talk to people who you do know. Some of us think our churches are friendly only because they are full of friends. I once visited a large church with my four children, and no one spoke to us. This happened to a friend’s family recently as well – perhaps because there were six of them, no one noticed that they were actually alone. Both the churches in question have excellent reputations as large friendly city churches. It has always been a temptation for us to become cliquey, and in our current culture, more so. It isn’t easy to get to know people.

Small talk beyond the weather, football, or last night’s telly is like negotiating a minefield. Approaching a student who boldly displays their preferred pronouns on their lapel can feel like walking into a bear trap. We want to get to know others and have no intention to offend, but we don’t know what we may be treading on. I was chatting to someone last week who asked me, ‘Do you have siblings?’ ‘Yes.’ I replied, ‘Three brothers’. ‘Where do you come in the pecking order,’ she asked. ‘I’m the youngest’. ‘Oh, your parents must have been so pleased to finally have a girl’. This is a typical conversational pattern, warm, friendly, and gentle as two people begin to get to know each other better. However, I was adopted, and when I reach this point in the cycle, I am very aware of it. It’s not a problem or secret, so I will say, ‘I was adopted but yes, they were delighted.’ And so the conversation deepens, and we get to know one another better. But sometimes, our starter questions can lead us to say things which intrude or hurt. I remember someone asking, ‘Do you have children?’ just after I had a miscarriage. It hurt, but the questioner was trying to be friendly. Getting to know each other is hard.

From the moment Adam and Eve’s eyes were opened in the garden, they were distanced, vulnerable and exposed. They sought to cover themselves from one another and hide from God; no longer rejoicing in unity, they were separated, and their relationship fractured. It is no wonder that we struggle so much to make safe connections with each other. Many don’t even try. There is a pandemic of loneliness. A question I hear frequently is, ‘How can I make real friends?’. How do we get close to others? Germaine Greer wrote of the millennial women’s experience as longing for closeness, but being reconciled to distance.

Lady Hussey’s role at the palace was to help others feel at ease; our role is to enable others to join our church family with the welcome Christ has shown us. This role is not only for the welcome team. That simple conversation over coffee is an integral part of our church life. We may get it wrong sometimes and be clunky or foolish, but if the people we are speaking to understand that we care and consider them valuable, generally, we will be forgiven. As we patiently bear with one another, we will grow closer to each other over time. In our lonely fractured world, we must never give up seeking to make connections, even though it can be hard work. Karen Soole is the women’s worker at Trinity Church, Lancaster and the Women’s Ministry Director for Anglican Mission in England.