Do you let suffering become a competition?

'It’s not a competition!' This is a common phrase for me, especially when surrounded by competitive men.

When I ran camps, 'competitiveness' was often an issue with male leaders - often to the point of having to write this into my risk assessment. The desire to win a game often clouded out the need to keep children, and themselves, safe from injury! The risk assessment then became a competition - the win being to be named as a risk in it.

Sometimes in this world it feels as though everything is a competition. I loathe programmes on the TV that turn a fun hobby into a competition - Bake Off, Sewing Bee, Throw Down - the list is endless and I watch precisely none of them. You can probably think of even more areas that have become competitive that never use used to be.

This can be an issue within disability too, and not just in the minds of non disabled people - there can be one-up-manship within disability communities.

It isn't a competition

One comment that those with hidden chronic illnesses often get is a case in point: 'at least it’s not cancer.' It belittles the day-to-day struggle of many chronic illnesses and gives strength to the notion that those with certain conditions shouldn’t complain because it’s not as bad as something else. There are many who live with guilt and the feeling they can’t say they are suffering because 'at least it isn’t…[add any situation here]'.

Or if I complain that the NHS has got something drastically wrong, as they often do for disabled people, I’m often shut down with the comment: 'At least you don’t live in America/Canada.'

Many who live with the daily struggles of chronic illness, some disabilities - especially pain or fatigue-based disabilities, struggle with poor mental health. For some, even their families will compare them with someone else with the same illness or disability, saying 'so and so has what you have and look what they can do.' Most of these conditions are a broad spectrum and certainly not a competition to find out how far you can push before you collapse, making your condition worse in the long run.

It isn’t a competition.

The importance of acknowledging things are bad

It’s well known that we need to allow the grieving process in any area of disability or chronic illness. Good mental health needs it. It also needs the acknowledgment from others when the person who is struggling admits things are bad.

When we think of Job’s friends we always think negatively of them, but they did get one thing right - they sat with him. The problem was what they said.

What is needed is to sit with friends who may be grieving the life they once had; when they didn’t struggle with pain, fatigue, anxiety etc. We then need to believe them.

We shouldn’t look for something to say that might (or probably won’t) fix everything. We also shouldn’t compare them to another illness or person. What would be more helpful is to acknowledge that life sucks at the moment.

That acknowledgement could literally be a life saver for some.