We are not their parents.
It is a fairly obvious fact that the children who attend our youth groups do not belong to us, their youth ministers. They are their parents’ offspring and attend our youth groups for between one and three hours a week.
In these days of declining numbers, parents often become anxious about children walking with God. Proverbs tells us that ‘a wise son heeds his father’s instruction’ (13.1), which reminds us that the prime responsibility for the nurture of children and young people lies with their parents. But parents can become so concerned that their children keep attending church that they want more ‘entertainment’ in the youth programme. Parents feel pressured in a church environment if their children fall away and they long for them still to be involved. We must listen to what they say, but also remind them that we are trying to grow disciples who have depth.
Get them to pray
If we work on the principle that we are working with young people (who have parents) we must be careful how we work. We want to create a good partnership with the parents while maintaining a place of safety for our young people to come and share their deepest needs.
Unless there is a safeguarding issue we must preserve the environment that gives our young people the freedom to express their deepest needs and thoughts.
But we can ask their parents to partner with us in prayer. Give as much information as you can about your programme and, if you have one, a statement of your strategies and values. Some parents have complained to me about the lack of information they get from youth ministers. There is a rather strange possessiveness about the attitude of some youth ministers, as if the youth group is held in some secret cloister. Tell them as much as you can.
Get them working
My wife used to run a camp for her sevens to 11s which ran from Saturday at lunchtime until Sunday afternoon. The children’s parents came and put up all the tents, provided all the meals, and then came and tidied the whole thing up. They were glad their children were having a great weekend and were happy to contribute.
We spend a lot of time maintaining our plant. Parents with DIY skills are very happy to help out when the room you use looks a bit the worse for wear. Some parents are happy to help with transport. I resist the idea of isolating young people in a cultural bubble. Anything you can do to work across the generations has to be good for the church’s life and health.
Train them
My wife comes from a Christian family with a long pedigree. She has a very clear role model for how to be a Christian parent. I don’t, and I’ve learnt a lot from her. But there are many parents in our churches who don’t really have any role model and really struggle with the role. I would say this is one of the great needs of youth ministry today. I hear youth leaders complain about parents who don’t understand. I often ask what they have done to train better Christian parents. I have done a few courses around the country for parents and they are usually grateful for the opportunity to learn more about the underlying values and the actions to be taken.
Working alongside parents should be a given in any youth ministry. There is little point working against the people who gave life to the children we teach.
