It might surprise you to know who feels lonely in today’s society. Geoff Treasure investigates
While many of us may feel alone at times, few of us, perhaps, experience absolute loneliness.
We may find it hard to identify with those who have and describe it in such graphic terms as: ‘a feeling that no one wants you and frustrating because you don't know why’; ‘an unpleasant, painful, anxious yearning for another person’; ‘knowing you belong nowhere’; ‘a living death’; or ‘the ultimate poverty’. Quotations such as these reveal a depth of loneliness which is real to some but incomprehensible to many. But that is not to deny that loneliness is a reality for many in our churches and communities today.
Good creation
The creative acts of God in Genesis are described by God himself as ‘good’ and ultimately as ‘very good’. Only once is God recorded as saying ‘It is not good.’ ‘It is not good for the man to be alone’ (Genesis 2.18), said God and then he proceeded to create a help meet for Adam. Man has been created, like his God, to be in fellowship with others rather than to experience solitary loneliness. And so God made two instead of one, introduced them to each other and indicated his plan for togetherness rather than aloneness.
As a result of the Fall, our fractured society sees God’s intended two frequently becoming one – in personal relationships, families, communities and nations across his world. Loneliness has been one of the consequences.
Who’s lonely?
But who are the lonely? It is often assumed, wrongly, that the adjective is reserved for the elderly and the bereaved. There is an element of truth in this. Research shows, for example that:
• 17% of older people are in contact with family, friends and neighbours less than once a week and 11% are in contact less than once a month. Over half (51%) of all people aged 75 and over live alone.
• Two fifths of all older people (about 3.9million) say the television is their main company.
But loneliness is not the sole experience of the elderly or the infirmed. Loneliness can be part of the daily lives of:
• The seven-year-old child who through the relocation of his parents begins a new school midway through the academic year when friendship patterns are already formed within his class.
• The Christian teenagers who identify with Christ and his ethical demands may find themselves ostracised by the majority of their peer group and ridiculed for their beliefs and values.
• The single mum whose husband has walked out, leaving her responsible for the house and her young children.
• Single people in their thirties or forties, still looking for a Christian partner.
• The unsociable and shy person who finds withdrawal from people easier than integration with them, and building barriers preferable to building bridges to others.
• People with leadership responsibilities who, irrespective of their management style, finds it necessary to have a divide between themselves and those they manage.
• The wife whose husband is a workaholic or who spends hour after hour at a computer. Or, often, the wives of ministers. (‘I married you, but you married the church’ said one young wife as she left her husband.)
The consequences of loneliness go beyond solitary existence. Recent research has shown that loneliness can also contribute to or result in high blood pressure, a greater risk of cognitive decline, a 64% increased chance of developing clinical dementia, and a greater possibility of depression, together with an effect upon mortality which exceeds the impact of well-known risk factors such as obesity and has an effect similar to cigarette smoking. Research has also indicated that loneliness and low social interaction are predictive of suicide in older age
Response of the church?
So what should be the response of the church be towards loneliness within and outside the local congregation?
Almost all the images for the church in the New Testament are corporate images. The church is a body, an army, a family or a household, consisting not of one but of many. The corporate nature of the church is also emphasised by the repeated use in the New Testament of the words ‘one another’. While some of the passages reflect parallel thoughts, the words themselves in this combination or similar appear over 50 times. Their frequency emphasised the importance of mutual support and ministry in the thought of Paul. Three in particular stand out when considering our response to loneliness.
1. Love one another (1 Thessalonians 4.9)
What does it mean to love the lonely? It means to think more of another than of oneself. It means that A.N. Other should take priority over self. It involves an attitude whereby giving to another is of greater importance to me than receiving from that same person. It is to give to someone whom you know lacks the resources to reciprocate.
Love is to give preference to someone who would value your time when you feel you have so little time to do what you want to do for yourself. It is a willingness to go out when you would love to stay in, to enrich someone else’s life by a visit or an afternoon out in the car when you feel that the activity will drain you.
2. Be kind & compassionate (Ephesians 4.32)
Compassion is being able to put oneself into the shoes of another, to reflect upon what my needs would then be and finally to step out and stretch out to meet those needs for the person before you. That is what distinguished the Samaritan from the priest and the Levite. Indifference and self-concern led to inactivity on their part. Compassion led to wounds being cleansed and protected by the application of oil and wine. The compassionate heart provided the help necessary to enable the man to reach a place of security and recovery. The day’s wage and promise of more if necessary ensured care and an opportunity of physical and emotional recovery. Compassion is empathetic love in action, often at great personal cost.
But how much do I understand what it is like to be in the shoes of the single mother whose husband suddenly walked out on her and his family? How can I understand what sadness there is behind the Sunday smile on the face of the person bereaved some seven months ago? How can I grow more aware of the needs of the 30+ member of the fellowship, still single, longing to find the love and support of a husband or a wife? Only by reaching out, developing a friendship, listening and seeking to understand.
3. Accepting one another (Romans 15.7)
I often think that the church is like a bag of liquorice allsorts. For many of us, when all the first choices have been made, at the bottom of the packet remain the small, black liquorice sweets, the least attractive to the majority. Those who are really lonely may often feel like the left-overs, unattractive to others and convinced, through low self-esteem, that there are good reasons for people bypassing them. The rest of us may naturally gravitate to those with similar interests and lively personalities while avoiding others who may be difficult to converse with, the complainers and critics, those whose experiences have left them bitter, suspicious of others and negative in their outlook.
But what was it that attracted Christ to us? Nothing. Who made the first move? God. He accepted me with all my weaknesses, failures, moral imperfections, my indifference or stubbornness. He took me with his grace just as I was. And as Christ received me, says Paul, so should I accept others.
The answer to loneliness lies in the church. The obstacle to remedying loneliness often lies in me. Sadly, preoccupation with self can lead to indifference to those very people who covet friendship and social interaction. And, if it is indeed more blessed to give than to receive, who is losing out of a blessing?
