Stuart Burgess makes the biblical case for purity in courtship
Sexual morality in courtship is one of the most important issues facing today’s church.
We now live in a culture which commends sex outside of marriage and looks down on sexual purity. In such a liberal society Christians have to be careful not to compromise biblical standards of conduct.
There are three important questions to consider: Is it morally fine to have a degree of sexual intimacy in courtship, like intimate kissing and sexual touching? Is it morally fine to ‘be in a relationship’ where you belong to the other person? Is it morally fine to have a relationship for pleasure and not necessarily because you want to investigate marriage?
The traditional Christian answer to each of these questions has been ‘no’. However, in modern times Christians are split between those who still advocate complete purity in courtship and those who believe that a degree of sexual intimacy and belonging is fine.
Of course what matters is not tradition, but what the Bible teaches. This article summarises the biblical case for purity in courtship.
Becoming one is for marriage only
Genesis 2.24 describes how marriage involves two people being ‘joined’ together as ‘husband’ and ‘wife’. From this founda-tional verse on marriage it follows that ‘becoming one’ and being ‘partners’ are for marriage only.
Therefore, courtship should not be a relationship where two people are joined together and become ‘an item’. Instead, courtship should be seen as a friendship where the goal is to make a decision about whether to be joined together in marriage.
Romance designed to be lifelong
God hates divorce because romance is designed to be lifelong and divorce involves a traumatic separation (Malachi 2.16). Divorce is therefore something that should be avoided except for exceptional circumstances. When two courting people avoid being joined together in a partnership, this honours biblical teaching on divorce because, if the courtship ends with no proposal of marriage, there is no relationship split. In contrast, people who have relationships have to view romantic separation as a common life event, because when a relationship ends there is a divorce-like separation.
Sexual intimacy for marriage only
Hebrews 13.4 teaches that there should be no sexual intimacy outside of marriage. Of course, courtship can involve powerful attractions and a strong desire for marriage, but courtship does not give permission for sexual intimacy such as intimate kissing and sexual touching.
The important teaching of Jesus on lust also shows that there should be no sexual activity outside of marriage. Jesus taught that when a man looks at a woman (who is not his wife) with sexual desires, he is guilty of the sin of lust. It is important to realise that Matthew 5.28 still applies when the women is the ‘girlfriend’ of the man.
If a man engages in sexual activities like intimate kissing and sexual touching with his girlfriend, it is inevitable that there will sexual desires and therefore lust. It is impossible to argue that a man (or woman) can engage in intimate kissing and sexual touching and yet have no sexual desires!
The only way to argue that Matthew 5.28 is not relevant to courtship is to argue that ‘being in a relationship’ gives permission for sexual intimacy. But Jesus never said that ‘it is wrong for a man to lust after a woman except for the case where he is in a relationship with the woman’.
It is important to note that in a court of law, intimate kissing and groping are both considered very significant sexual activities. So it cannot be argued that intimate kissing and groping are minor activities that can be overlooked in courtship. Christians sometimes ask: How far can I go? But this is the wrong question. The question should be: How pure can I be? And the answer to that question is to avoid doing anything that a court of law would consider sexual activity.
Sexual relationships are dangerous
There are many warnings about the dangers of sexual immorality in the Bible, especially in Proverbs chapters 5–7. Proverbs 6.27 teaches that engaging in sex outside of marriage is like playing with fire. To engage in intimate kissing and touching is playing with fire because it makes people feel that they belong to each other in a marriage-like relationship and that leads to dangerous expectations.
A key problem with being in a relationship and belonging to someone is that it creates great pressure for a couple to give away their bodies to some extent. In particular men (and boys) often think they have a right to sexual pleasures on the basis that their girlfriend ‘belongs’ to them. The fact that around a third of teenage girls suffer some kind of sexual assault during relationships
demonstrates that relationships are inherently unsafe and dangerous.
Another reason why sexual kissing and sexual touching are dangerous outside of marriage is that these activities are designed to be part of sexual foreplay. The idea that people can engage in sexual foreplay and always have the self-control to bail out before ‘going too far’ is a naïve view that has led to countless regrets and unwanted pregnancies.
‘Relationship’ status is not biblical
Modern society says that people can be married, engaged, single or ‘in a relationship’. However, while the Bible gives clear approval of marriage (Genesis 2.24), engagement (Matthew 1.18) and the single status (1 Corinthians 7.32), there is no approval of the relationship status or couple status. In 1 Corinthians 7.32 Paul says: ‘He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord.’ In order for a single person to be free to serve the Lord, they cannot be in a marriage-like relationship.
Wait until marriage
Modern society says that love can be awakened in casual relationships from a young age. But the Bible commands three times not to awaken love before its proper time (Song of Solomon 2.7, 3.5, 8.4). In his Bible commentary John MacArthur explains that these verses refer to the commitment of the Shulamite woman to a chaste life, not just during marriage but also before marriage.
Save yourself for your spouse
Proverbs 31.12 teaches that a virtuous wife does good to her husband all the days of her life. Of course, the main application is that a wife will be supportive to her husband. However, the time period ‘all the days of her life’ includes the days before she was married. Therefore, a virtuous wife will avoid having relationships before marriage so that she saves her heart for her future husband. Of course, a virtuous man likewise saves himself for marriage.
Marriage is sacred
There are several biblical reasons why marriage is sacred: marriage is blessed by God (Genesis 1.28); marriage was instituted at the beginning of creation ( Genesis 2.24); marriage involves God joining two people together (Matthew 19.6) and marriage is a picture of Christ and the church (Ephesians 5.25).
Since marriage is sacred, marital pleasures like belonging to someone and sexual intimacy should be left to marriage. Another way of showing respect for marriage is to describe courtship in a way that it does not sound like a partnership.
An advantage of the phrase ‘we are courting’ is that it implies that two people are just courting the possibility of marriage and are saving themselves for marriage. In contrast, the term ‘we are in a relationship’ is problematic because it implies that two people have already become partners and given their hearts and bodies to each other.
Never too late to change
It is not easy to preserve purity before marriage in today’s lust-filled culture. However, God’s grace is sufficient for all the challenges that we face today. God’s Word is also all-sufficient for guiding us in every decision we make in life.
It is important to know that it is never too late to change a lifestyle. I know many people who, with God’s help, have turned away from the relationship culture and known the blessings that follow.
