Dating wisely

Stuart Burgess describes the blessings that flow from biblical courtship

My first experience of meeting Christians was as a student at university in the 1980s. I was struck by how these young men treated women with great respect. I also noticed how Christians practised restraint and purity in courtship – or dating. Their witness was one reason for my conversion.

In recent years I have been Senior Tutor to over 700 students at my university. In that role I have seen first-hand the harmful consequences caused by liberal attitudes to sex. Recent studies have shown that about a third of teenage girls in the UK suffer sexual assault during relationships. A key reason for this terrible statistic is that boys think that their girlfriends ‘belong to them’ and they therefore have a right to touch them as they want.

Such statistics demonstrate that the world’s way of relationships does not work. They also prove the truth of the biblical warning that playing around with sexual relationships is like playing with fire (Prov. 6:28). Here are four important ways to be godly and blessed in dating.

1. Only date if you are serious about marriage. The main purpose of dating should be to explore the possibility of marriage. This is because marriage should be honoured (Heb. 13:4) and because love should only be awakened at the proper time (Song 2:7).

When two people see that dating is a means to an end (to explore marriage) not an end in itself (to seek pleasure), it helps them to remember they are making a life-changing decision with lifelong consequences.

The world rejects the biblical way because it wants sexual and romantic freedom without life-long commitment. But there are serious dangers in dating without a focus on marriage. There is the danger of one person being seriously misled about marital intentions. There is the danger of getting entangled in a relationship with someone who is not a good choice for marriage. There is also the danger of starting too young when you are not mature enough to understand the profound implications of dating.

2. Seek spiritual guidance. Proverbs teaches that a godly wife (or husband) is from the Lord (Prov. 19:14). Choosing a marriage partner is such a big decision that it warrants earnest prayer. Prayer encourages caution because a person has to constantly think – ‘Is this the person God is leading me to?’

As well as seeking God’s will it is really helpful to consult godly counsellors (Prov. 15:22). It may not be fashionable to speak to parents and elders about romance, but they know you very well and they can see things from a more objective perspective.

3. Make it a friendship not a partnership. A major problem in modern dating relation-ships is that people feel under pressure to belong to each other and to give away their heart and body.

There is also the problem of the devastating heartache of a divorce-like relationship split if the relationship comes to an end.

The Bible teaches that only in marriage do two people officially belong to each other and become joined together (Gen. 2:24). Therefore, the biblical way for dating is for two people to see each other as friends and not partners in a marriage-like partnership.

It is also recommended not to make an official announcement of ‘being in a relationship’ or to declare a change in status. Only engagement and marriage are biblically approved changes in status.

When dating is an innocent friendship it avoids many of the problems of relationships and relationship-splits.

4. Aim for purity. Jesus taught that we should not desire someone who is not our spouse (Matt. 5:28). This means that marriage is the only way to romantic fulfilment. It also means it is right to abstain from sexual relationships outside of marriage.

Some people argue that we should not strive for purity because it is impossible to be pure. But that negative argument could be applied to all of God’s commands. It is impossible to avoid covetousness, but that does not mean that we should not try to avoid coveting.

There are important blessings to saving yourself for marriage as much as you can. It protects against the consequences of sexual immorality and it reduces baggage taken into marriage. A future spouse will also really appreciate your efforts to save yourself for them. Godliness in dating is a powerful witness to the modern world.