A cry from the heart for churches to be considerate and kind towards the minister’s spouse
You don’t need to know my name.
I became a Christian at the age of ten and come from an active Christian family. I was involved in the local church from my teenage years. My husband was a teacher and trained for the Christian ministry. He was called to be the pastor of a middle-sized church when I was 29 years old. We had a four-year-old girl and another tiny baby girl. We moved from one end of England to the other.
Lonely in the church
The previous pastor of the church my husband was called to had retired. His wife was very experienced and active in church life, her children having grown up and left home. I was expected to pick up where she had left off; there was to be no change.
Please do not get me wrong: I felt privileged to be able to serve the Lord and did so with a glad and willing heart. Yet at the same time the Lord also expected me to bring up our children, the children he had given us.
I was quite lonely in a church where I did not know anyone and, due to having the small children, I was not able to get to all the meetings. My husband had to work long hours as the church had many meetings, meaning he was out most of the time.
Unrealistic expectations
A few days after moving, before even all the boxes were unpacked, I was told I had to visit ‘old Mrs Smith’ in the hospital ten miles away. What about the children? I was told that it had been arranged that someone would look after them, someone who was a stranger to them. I was also still feeding the baby myself.
When I raised these objections I was told ‘the last pastor’s wife would have done it’, and so off I went. When I arrived back home I found that both my four year old and the baby had been crying for the last two hours.
A few weeks later I was asked when the ladies’ Bible study was to resume. I had never led a ladies’ Bible study and it was certainly not a gift of mine. Children’s work, yes, but this, no. When I expressed these thoughts, I was told ‘the previous pastor’s wife did it’. At this I put my foot down and refused, especially as there were other ladies in the church who had the gifts required.
Becoming unpopular
Next came the Kids Club, which again the previous pastor’s wife had led. My children were too young to attend and my husband was busy, so what should I do? Leave them at home alone? I had to take them and hand them over to their father when he finished work.
Things came to a head the first Christmas we were there. I was informed that the pastor’s wife had to cook a three-course meal for all the deacons and elders and their wives (20 people) to say ‘thank you’ for their help. Naturally, the previous pastor’s wife had done it! We were on a very low wage and I could not afford to provide food for that number of people. Anyway, I had never cooked a meal for 20 before. Neither did I have the time to do so. So this tradition had to end. They were very upset and vexed with me.
I doubt that I am alone in these sorts of experiences. I once met a pastor’s wife who was crying because she could not afford the childcare bill for that week. Her husband was the pastor of a middle-class affluent church on the outskirts of London!
Next generation
I am now in my 60s. My husband is still a pastor, and yes, I can now cook a meal for 20 people. I also now lead ladies’ Bible studies, though I am still not comfortable doing this. And I do visit ‘old Mrs Smith’ in hospital. But now my children are all grown up.
My husband will soon retire. I hope the church will not expect the new pastor’s wife to pick up where I left off.
Not a church officer
I think many churches believe there is such an office as ‘pastor’s wife’ which carries with it these sorts of responsibilities irrespective of the gifts and circumstances of the lady concerned. In fact the Bible nowhere speaks of there being such an office. 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 set down the qualifications of elders and deacons, but there is no mention of the office of ‘pastor’s wife’.
The pastor’s wife is simply a church member. She has the responsibility of helping and supporting her husband and bringing up their family. She must use the gifts that she has and not be expected to follow in the footsteps of her predecessor or fit the mould of the ‘typical pastor’s wife’.
Godly example
One of the most godly pastor’s wives I have known was a lady who did not teach the Sunday School or run the ladies’ Bible study. She was busy bringing up her family and supporting her husband. But she was always on hand, she mingled with everyone in the church, knew them all and had an open home, not just to church people but everyone in the street.
Surely a church should just let the pastor’s wife use her gifts and be part of the church just like any other member, and not expect her to fit the mould! Too often in churches, when a pastor is called, it’s ‘buy one (the pastor) and get one free (his wife)’. Is this what the Lord intends?
