Christians have often been at the forefront of social change – from abolishing slavery to setting up schools and even being formative in developing the English law and justice system (so my son’s book on Alfred the Great tells me!).
And there are many great women in the church currently pulling together to get help for a vulnerable sector of society today – a sector that until recently hasn’t been acknowledged by the government, and even now is struggling to get the help it needs.
That sector is parents and their families.
I run a socially-motivated platform which helps parents connect through baby and toddler groups and classes. I co-founded Happity after years of struggling with post-natal depression and anxiety myself, and our aim is to help parents build community and maintain mental wellness.
Many women intuitively understand how important this is. But where are the men? Where are the Christian men? And will they stand up and add their voices to the needs that this group currently faces?
An issue that needs addressing
This is imperative for the future of our nation. Before the pandemic, perinatal mental health was estimated to cost £8.1bn per year per cohort of births. (Perinatal refers to the period when you become pregnant and up to a year after giving birth). Of this cost, a staggering 70% was associated with supporting the child of a parent who struggles with mental health throughout the child’s lifetime.
When a parent struggles with mental health, they can find it difficult to bond with their child. And poor bonding, such as lack of touch and eye contact, can affect the development of a child’s brain – in particular, the areas associated with behaviour and emotional regulation. There is evidence to suggest that poor bonding between parents and nought to two-year-olds later causes high levels of anxiety in teenage girls, and aggression in teenage boys. And there are even some links suggested to obesity.
And with mental health issues affecting around one in five women and one in ten men after a baby is born – and that before the pandemic – and it now being reported to be three times as high because of Covid, this is an issue that clearly needs addressing.
Societal change
Back in previous generations, new parents were more likely to be supported by their own parents and family living locally. They were likely to be part of a church or another religious organisation with many friends going through parenthood at a similar time. They may also have lived closer to where they worked and therefore have been surrounded by friends.
But nowadays it is very typical not to have any of these support systems as new parents embark on their parenting journey. And for working women especially, finding themselves thrown from being in control and achieving daily, to having their worlds turned upside down with no support, it can simply prove too much. Identity crises, a sense of overwhelm and mental health issues are common.
This is why baby and toddler groups have become even more important in today’s society. Other than social media (and we all know the pitfalls of that!) these groups are THE place to find new parent friends for many. Of course NCT (National Childbirth Trust) and other courses help too, but at many hundreds of pounds for a course, this is not a realistic possibility for many.
Baby and toddler groups – whether community or commercial – have become the lifeline for many parents. Where they no longer have their family around the corner to show them how to interact with their baby or deal with a particular issue, they ask at a group. Where they no longer have a group of new parents surrounding and loving them at their church, they can find others to talk things through with. This can be especially important if parents have moved to a new area 'suitable' for raising a family and so have no friends close by.
These groups are fundamental to providing a new parent with support, advice and community.
A recent study found that the perception of support during birth was more instrumental in whether a mother struggled with PTSD than whether they have medical interventions. And I would argue the same is true for a new parent in the early stages of parenthood. The perception of being alone as opposed to having those who understand and are walking the same tricky journey around you, is vital in how you feel about yourself as a parent, and hence your mental wellbeing.
And for these same reasons – lack of family, church and friends – these groups are also fundamental for the new baby. Without the support systems of yesteryear, babies can miss out on seeing other human faces, interacting with other adults and children, and observing the world. If their parent has nobody to interact with, to entice them out to new places to explore, they miss out too.
Of course, throwing in a global pandemic brings an added element of struggle.
A recent Ofsted report suggested that children were not developing at the usual rate – with some regressing. And we have had many of our group providers getting in touch, worried about the children coming to their classes. They have changed from being confident and outgoing toddlers, to hiding behind a parent’s leg or not managing a 30-minute class due to being overwhelmed. We have even heard of babies recoiling at seeing another baby’s face.
What is the government doing?
I was asked to speak at a House of Commons Petitions’ Session back in the summer. This was about supporting new parents. More than 20 recommendations were put forward in that session, but sadly the only one that was progressed was for the Government to speak with a baby class expert.
And since then I have been working with the Government to support new parents.
There is no department that is responsible for baby and toddlers outside Ofsted registered settings. And for this case I have been passed from pillar to post for nearly six months. I’ve had numerous letters from numerous ministers not understanding the real issues. (That’s a long story but essentially the government wanted groups back, and excluded from the ‘Rule of Six’ – even in even lockdown 2 – but due to the pesky line – and I paraphrase – “as long as they adhere to Covid guidelines”, many have never returned.)
What are our churches doing?
And through all this, I have been saddened to see that various Christian denominations have created their own regulations, and in the most case they have been even stricter. So even where the Government was allowing baby and toddler groups to run, our churches were not doing so.
This has made me sad and frustrated.
This is all happening at a time when new parents need support the most. It’s taking place at a time when people need to hear the gospel message of hope. This is a time when many groups could not return due to their venue, council, or insurer wrongly interpreting the guidelines and disallowing them. Why, at a time like this, couldn’t more churches allow their baby and toddler groups to return?
Of course, as Christians, we do need to respect authority and keep the rules. But this doesn’t mean we can’t work within the rules (assuming our volunteers are not vulnerable) and enable groups such as baby and toddler groups to run again.
These groups could very well have been (and still could be) the only group to return in their town. The parents would come flooding in. And the gospel opportunity could be huge.
Yes, the format would have to change. The ‘stay-and-play’ format of ‘free flow’ isn’t sensible during this Covid era, but a change to more 'class-style' sessions is very do-able. Many commercial providers are having lower numbers, with children and parents on mats two metres apart, wearing masks, and having one or two group leaders running the session from the front.
There have been many vicar’s wives and amazing church ladies who have changed their groups like this, and have seen huge success.
Parents are literally in tears – they are so thankful for somewhere to go; for someone to talk to; for something to help them interact with their baby when their reserves are so low.
My church had an online 'weekend away' back in the summer with an amazing talk from Thabiti Anyabwile, a council member of the Gospel Coalition in the US. I remember he said that Bible-based churches sometimes focus so much on being ‘gospel-centred’ that they forget to look after their community. Obviously we don’t want to go too far the other way – to get carried away with serving our community and to forget our gospel roots and use serving as an opportunity to share, but he said something like: “If you’re not helping other people sacrificially, you’re not serving them enough”.
If we don’t bring back these groups for new parents we are losing gospel opportunities AND the opportunity to serve our new parent communities.
But we need the men in our churches to see the need for this. Many of the women do – many of them having experienced the awful loneliness of being a new parent and thus the blessing these groups can be. But with men typically the decision-makers, or with influence higher up to change church denomination regulations, we need the men to step up and fight for their families (their own, or those of their community).
I remember back in the summer when I was helping with a Government petition to help new mums, and I’d get a fair amount of media coverage for it, but it just didn’t seem to be getting through. I had the idea of getting all the mums involved (almost quarter of a million of whom had signed the petition) to get their partners to join the (mostly social media) campaign. But the men had no interest at all.
It baffled me. Their partners saw their struggles. And presumably they loved and cared for their partner and their new child. But they weren’t happy to put their head above the parapet and ask for the support their new family so desperately needed.
But Christian men, as they have so often before with issues of social justice, should stand up and shout for their families! Because these children are the next generation. Mental health doesn’t stop within a generation but is passed on. So we must push to get these valuable groups back. We need to make the most of the gospel and service opportunities we have right now, to share the good news we have.
If you would like help in re-opening your baby and toddler group (or setting one up!), help in setting up a track-and-trace booking system, or somewhere to find signposting to help new parents find community or maintain their mental wellness please head to happity.co.uk. All charities and community groups get Happity membership for free.
