When Christians fall out, you’d hope they would be good at putting things back together. Reconciliation ought to be one of our strong suits.
Our God not only ‘reconciled us to Himself through Christ’, He also ‘gave us the ministry of reconciliation’ (2 Cor. 5:18). As ambassadors for Christ, we are to implore others: ‘be reconciled to God’ (2 Cor. 5:20). Our interpersonal relationships ought to reflect that.
Yet instead of being renowned for a readiness to forgive, and warm reconciliations, Christians often seem better known for the intensity of their disputes and the bitterness of their divisions. We probably know people in our churches who avoid each other because some historical spat has never been resolved; some bitterness never rooted out. As James might put it: ‘My brothers and sisters, this should not be’ (James 3:10). As we try to become better reconcilers, three principles may help.
Be orientated toward reconciliation
Forgiveness should be a forgiven believer’s default mode. As a compass turns north, so a Christian is drawn toward the restoration of broken relationships. Being at odds with another person should be something like the pea in the princess’ bed – so uncomfortable we cannot rest until things are put right.
Jesus describes the attitude like this: ‘When you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins’ (Mark 11.25). Notice that this is something internal, a change of attitude. The person feeling wronged and ‘holding something against anyone’ should be ready to let it go and forgive. But one person’s changed attitude isn’t enough – it takes two to reconcile.
Be ready to admit fault
There is something superficially similar about Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 5: ‘Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift’ (Matt. 5:23-24). The believer is at worship; offence interrupts; there is something that must be done. But now notice the differences. The person in view is not the offended party, but the offender! And what is needed is not an attitude, but an action. To go and find the offended party, admit wrong and seek reconciliation.
Both situations are urgent enough to interrupt worship. And each relies on the other. Reconciliation requires the offended party to be ready to forgive, and for the offender to seek out that forgiveness. But notice what Jesus doesn’t say: he doesn’t instruct the offended party to go demanding apologies. He doesn’t tell the offender to let things lie, hoping time might heal or grace cover a multitude of sins.
Be willing to acknowledge complexity
It sounds so simple, but it hardly ever is. Sometimes that is because the offender and offended aren’t nearly so clear cut. Instead of one person being fully wrong and the other fully wronged, it’s a funny mix of both. That means us admitting sin and granting forgiveness side by side. And we find that hard.
Sometimes reconciliation is simply too dangerous. For despite every best effort the risk of the recurrence of abuse and damage is just too great.
Sometimes reconciliation doesn’t go deep enough. In Jeremiah’s terms it is: ‘peace, peace where there is no peace’. Where the full extent of wrong isn’t acknowledged, a full measure of forgiveness isn’t possible. We must see the full extent of our sin and speak apologies free of ‘ifs, buts and maybes’.
A community of reconciled sinners will help. Others can enable us to see our failings and find words of confession. Others will listen to our pain and inch toward genuine forgiveness. Others will see danger and warn against inadequate reconciliation. Still others will provide examples of doing reconciliation well.
The beauty of a community that knows how to reconcile is glorifying to God and deeply attractive to our world. Like Jesus’ worshipper leaving his gift at the altar, we too may need to hear the urgent call to ‘go and be reconciled’.
