Would you be able to spot a narcissist?

When we think of the word ‘narcissism’ we may imagine people taking selfies, maintaining an attractive image on social media or something similar. True narcissism, however, is something far more serious.

It destroys communities, churches, marriages, families and individuals. It is not just a case of people showing-off, annoying as that may be. True narcissism is destructive and it needs to be understood. That is why I have written the booklet.* It is a warning for all who work with people – that is all of us.

Narcissism is subtle. It can be found where we least expect it and its effects can be devastating. Examples of narcissism can of course be found almost anywhere – in schools, in the professions, in industry and commerce, in the military, in politics – wherever there are people.

It is sometimes thought that narcissism has to be erotic or sexual, but this is not always the case. We have probably all come across the stereotype of the femme fatale who seduces men but cares only for herself. This may indeed be a case of narcissism but as we shall see narcissism does not have to be sexual. In fact, it is often found in those who appear to be leading admirably moral lives.

I have chosen to focus on three places that the effects of narcissism can be felt – they are: in the family; in the pastoral ministry; and in church members. This is not because narcissism does not exist elsewhere, but because narcissism in these places can be so destructive to the life and well-being of God’s people.

Narcissism should have no place among the people of God. Parents who call themselves Christians should not behave in a narcissistic manner toward their children. Narcissistic behaviour should certainly not be found among those who lead the church and are often held in the highest regard – pastors, elders, evangelists and mission workers. Sadly, this is not the case. Narcissism is real and is found in people and places we may think the most unlikely.

In my last chapter I address the question of how we, as Christians, should respond to the problem of narcissism.

What is narcissism?

In the ancient Greek myth, Narcissus was a handsome but arrogant young man who rejected the love of others. Nemesis, the god of divine retribution, lured him to a stream where he fell in love with his own reflection. Narcissus did not realise that this was only his reflection but thought it was his real self. His infatuation with this reflection of himself was so powerful that he eventually pined away and died.

This is of course a myth. It is not Biblical truth. It is however the root of our modern word ‘narcissism’ and does help us to understand what is meant by the term. It is commonly believed that the narcissistic person is in love with himself (or herself), but this not quite true. Narcissus fell in love with his reflection. So it is with narcissistic people today. Truly narcissistic individuals are not concerned about how they are, but how they appear. It is the image that matters, not the reality.

While the difference between image and reality may be obvious to an onlooker this may not be so for the narcissistic person themselves. To anyone who was walking along the bank of that mythical stream the distinction between Narcissus and his reflection would have been quite clear. Narcissus however did not know the difference. He thought the reflection was himself.

This is how it can be with narcissistic people today. The truly narcissistic person may come to believe that the image he or she has projected is their real self. This image will of course be highly admirable, perhaps very intelligent or stunningly attractive. When someone points out a fault or shortcoming the narcissistic person may react with anger or ridicule. The belief that the image is perfect, and that it is the real self, must be maintained.

By contrast the person who truly loves his or her real self will normally listen to criticism. They can be aware that who they are, how they are perceived by others, and the way they would like to be perceived, are not the same. This person wants their real self to be the best that can be achieved, so honest appraisal, even if it is painful, is welcomed. It gives the person a chance to reflect upon themselves and to change where necessary.

(This is what is meant by having ‘good self-esteem’. The real self is loved and respected. It is not seen as perfect, nor is it confused with any manufactured image. It is therefore open to criticism and to change.)

From this it is easy to see why people who truly love and accept their real self can become more ‘alive’. The longer they live the more they are able to help themselves and others and be of service to God.

The person who loves only his or her image has far less hope of meaningful change. As with the story of Narcissus, the obsession with image is the way of self-destruction.

What causes narcissism?

The brief answer is that no-one really knows for certain. As with other problems of this nature, the reasons are probably complex. Inadequate or abusive parenting may well play a part. Abuse in other situations such as sexual abuse in school or elsewhere could be a factor.

It is also possible that there are genetic factors that predispose the developing child to narcissism. Then of course there is also the impact of personal choice.

None of this should come as a surprise to those who hold a Christian worldview. Sin, and our subsequent separation from God, impacts us at every level and at every stage of our lives. We do not always know how this happens, and we may investigate how it does, but we should never be surprised.

John Steley has worked as a psychologist in NHS and forensic settings. He also spent ten years working with church, Christian mission and overseas aid staff. He now has a private practice in London.