For one of my children, there was a three-year period straddling primary and secondary school when bedtime often meant tears.
There were long conversations in which they begged not to go to school. While much of the time was spent clarifying the law on attendance, the problem was not legal, but all about friendship. The words that kept on putting a dagger through my heart were: ‘I have no friends.’ I learnt that naming children in the class like a desperate form of bingo did not help. Nor did organising playdates. Nor did conversations with the teacher, or other parents, or even those other children themselves.
A common cry
I know that there are bigger crises in the world, but this one seems to be one of the most common in families. It comes in many forms. Not enough friends. Not the right kind of friends. Not good enough friends. Mean friends. Bad influence friends. No Christian friends. Mean Christian friends.
This is a pain that should not surprise us. Even before the Fall, it was the single aspect of creation that needed fixing: ‘It is not good for the man to be alone’ (Gen. 2:18). We are not made for loneliness. Our children’s different God-given characters mean that they may struggle, cope, or flourish in very different ways, but they will all need a friend. We all need a friend. Jesus defined friendship (in John 15:12-15) as showing sacrificial, deep sharing of ourselves. Christian friendship is about giving to others before it is about receiving. So we want to work through how to be good friends to others rather than constantly feeling let down by others.
There are many conversations we can have. Find the moments when you see your child caring for others well (rather than being tempted to search for reasons why no one likes your child). Jesus sees their love for others, even when those others don’t invite them to parties or include them. Are there corners of their life where you see friendship happening well? In church, on holiday, in your community or with relatives? Help them to see the good in those moments. School can be claustrophobic, causing daily intense, dark emotions.
We need to help our children to tell themselves the better story. They need new messages to fill their heads. Their value is not determined by how many friends they have or how many parties they have been invited to. The consistency and certainty of a parent’s love can help children begin to grasp that God’s love and presence – so much better and more faithful than our own – goes with them, even when they feel completely alone. The longing for friendship that God has placed in all of us is fulfilled most in Christ. It feels like an intimidating challenge, but can we explain to our children that no friend can fill the gap made for Jesus? Can we help them see that their tears show how much they need Christ to be with them when they are lonely?
I have learnt that these fine arguments may not be enough for our children when they’re sat in a canteen eating lunch alone. I have heard countless creative stories of how children cope: Lego in the corner of a classroom, locking themselves in a loo, or reading a book in the corner of the playground.
Lasting fruit
I feel blessed to have known a very sweet eight-year-old at our church who had no friends for most of her primary-school years. She was lovely, godly, patient and chatty (while still leaving plenty of time for others to speak). I could not understand. That was more than 20 years ago. I saw her last week. She has lost none of her bubbly charm and has plenty of friends. I still don’t think it was her fault. I still don’t understand. I do believe that it gave her parents many opportunities for good conversations. I also believe God used that experience as a part of her becoming the compassionate woman she is today. Through the tears, let’s remember that in every difficulty there will always be opportunities for gospel conversations and for lasting fruit in God’s good project of making our children, and us, more like Jesus.
