How I have changed my view on singleness

Does it matter that I am brown and single? Growing up, marriage was always the goal of any South Asian parent for their child or children – to know they were settled. Society and culture seemed to suggest that life’s milestones should include marriage and then children.

As a young teenager, I too believed this was the way because it was ingrained in me culturally, but when life doesn’t work out like that, where does my hope lie – or that of the other 40% of UK adults who are single?

Over the years, I’ve often been asked questions like ‘Are you dating anyone?’ or ‘When do you plan to get married? Have you tried dating apps?’ Sometimes, even comments like ‘You’re beautiful, I don’t understand why you’re still single!’ Although meant with good intentions, these have at times (not so much now) left a sense of not being good enough or that something was wrong with me. It felt as though there was an assumption that I would only be ‘complete’ once I was married, as if my singleness was somehow a deficiency.

When I came to faith, I hoped these questions would diminish. Yet, even within the Christian community, I’m often still asked: ‘Are you married?’ When I respond ‘No, I’m single’, there’s often a look of pity. It’s as though being single means I haven’t understood the fullness of life, or something needs fixing. We need to reflect on how we understand single people in the church – and it’s not for the lack of trying.

In our world, where success is often defined by milestones like marriage, buying a house, or landing a good job, the Bible reminds us that true fulfilment doesn’t come from these things, but from our relationship with Christ (Matt.6:19-21). It’s easy to focus on external accomplishments, but none of that will matter if we don’t know God Himself.

Having been single for over 17 years, I’ve wrestled with God about this. I’ve come to accept that, should God offer me the gift of marriage, I will receive it wholeheartedly. However, I am enough, valued, and whole in Christ as a single person. The apostle Paul speaks about singleness as a gift in 1 Corinthians 7:7-8: ‘I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.’ Singleness is not a punishment or a state of incompleteness; it is a gift.

In 2024, the average wedding cost in the UK was £20,000, and for some communities, like South Asians, it can be much higher. While weddings are celebrations of love, I’ve often wondered: do we also celebrate the lives of single people in meaningful ways? For example, big birthdays, moving or buying a home, travelling, etc.

As I approached 40, these questions deepened. What if someone remains single for their whole life? How do we honour, value and show them love? Do we celebrate what God is doing in their life? Singleness can often come with feelings of being overlooked and somehow not ‘grown-up’ enough.

The reality is that singleness often carries stereotypes, but the Bible offers a different perspective on both marriage and singleness. In 1 Corinthians 7:32-34, Paul writes: ‘An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs – how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world – how he can please his wife.’ Singleness offers unique opportunities to focus on God’s calling without the distractions of marriage.

In Isaiah 54:1, the Lord speaks to Israel: ‘Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy.’ Though this passage is about Israel, it brings comfort to me. It reminds me that God sees me, and I am not forgotten. Whether single or married, my identity is rooted in Christ.

Ultimately, whether single or married, the key is to seek to glorify God. Jesus Himself was single, and He demonstrated that a full and meaningful life comes from faithfulness to God’s calling, not from marital status. Let’s celebrate both marriage and singleness, recognising that each has its own unique purpose and beauty in God’s plan.