WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
Redeeming the realities of marriage
By Paul David Tripp. IVP. 287 pages. £9.99
ISBN 978-1-84474-474-9
What did you expect? I expected this book to be excellent and I was not disappointed. Paul David Tripp writes about people with a rare and disarming realism combined with a red-hot passion for biblical God-glorifying living.
If you want to read a book about how wonderful marriage is, don’t pick this one. The snapshots of marriage from Tripp’s long experience as a counsellor are not the glossy ones in the family album. Nor is he just writing about marriages which are plainly going down the pan; he writes also about his own union with Luella, to whom he is devoted. But Tripp is clear: marriage is a war-zone, the principal battle being the one that rages in our own hearts.
There are no tricks and techniques in this book. Tripp talks a lot about sin, pointing out that it is essentially anti-social. Our greatest marital problems exist inside not outside us. Many marriages flounder, says Tripp, because both husband and wife are pursuing their individual selfish dreams. His challenge to anyone who is disappointed in their marriage is, ‘Could it be that what you actually wanted was for that other person to love you as much as you do?’
The book offers real hope for change, but it is the old cliché: no gain without pain. Laziness is the enemy of an improving marriage. Tripp underlines the importance of confession and forgiveness. ‘Healthy marriages are healthy because the people in those marriages find joy in cancelling debts.’ The reader is reminded repeatedly that our lives are filled with little moments in which the character and quality of a marriage is formed. But Tripp’s big theme is worship. It is not that we don’t love our spouses enough, it is that we don’t love God enough. ‘You don’t fix a marriage first horizontally; you fix it vertically.’
Tripp peppers the book liberally with stories of real-life marriages: Fred/Mavis/Dolores/Cleveland. Anyone who has ever tried to counsel Fred/Mavis/Dolores/Cleveland will recognise the wisdom of the insights this book offers. The problem might be in persuading such people to read the book. It is quite long. Having said that, it is to the writer’s immense credit that you could read any single chapter of this book and find benefit. Anyone who is married would be chastened and helped by paying attention to its honest analysis.
