Adoption: facing the challenge

John Steley on some of the realities of adopting children from the care system

Usually I sit down to write as a psychologist.

This time it is different. My wife and I are adoptive parents. For years we have listened to others who have adopted children and learned what we can from them. So now I do not write as a professional, but as a Christian and as an adoptive parent who listens to other adoptive parents.

People in Britain are being urged to adopt children from what we call the ‘care’ system. It is a call that should resonate with Christians, in view of the Bible’s requirement to care for the needy and the church’s long history in this area. As evangelicals this should inspire us in particular, given our tradition’s historic defence and protection of the unwanted.

Inspiration and preparation

To be inspired is good, but it is not the same as being prepared. People who take children from ‘care’ need to know what they may face. Posters advertising for adoptive parents typically show children playing happily or looking endearing for the camera. The reality can be very different. In this article I will mention some of the difficulties that adoptive parents may have to face.

Here are some questions that I would ask potential adopters:

• ‘How would you cope if your adopted child physically attacks you for no apparent reason?’

• ‘How would you react if your adopted child repeatedly hit one of his or her siblings?’

• ‘How would you deal with constant stealing or refusal to go to school?’

• ‘How would you address inappropriate sexual behaviour?’

• ‘How would you cope with a child who is constantly angry for no obvious reason?’

• ‘Could you cope with urinary or faecal incontinence in a child of junior school age or older?’

This is just a short list, but, as you may have gathered, adoptive parenting can have its challenges. Other problems may include dealing with the judgmental attitude of others. Adopted children may look the same as others but behave very differently, often through no fault of their own.

Screaming

Imagine this situation: You are out shopping with your newly arrived child. He has had a number of ‘placements’ before coming to you. You need a cake and decide to buy one at the supermarket. When the child sees you take the cake off the shelf he thinks it is in preparation for a going away party. He thinks he is going to have to face yet another move. At this moment he is overcome by sheer terror. He starts screaming so the whole store can hear. You try to explain that he is your child now and that he is not going anywhere. The child however is too distressed to hear this.1 A passer-by tells you, in a voice loud enough to be heard by others, that you should, ‘Make that child behave himself! He just needs some discipline!’ (At this point you may be tempted to put the cake in the passer-by’s face but this would not be a good Christian witness and could also get you arrested.)

Finger-pointing

Some adopted children can appear to be well behaved at school or in church, but be extremely difficult at home. It is easy in this situation to point the finger at the parents. ‘The teachers at school can manage her. She does whatever she is asked in church. It must be the parents. They do not set adequate boundaries for her. Perhaps they need some advice.’ Reactions like this can lead to a parent, who may already be exhausted, feeling utterly demoralised.

The reality probably is that the child is less secure at school, or church, or anywhere outside of the home. The ‘good’ behaviour that people see may actually be the result of fear. This is not the healthy fear that comes from having known boundaries and predictable consequences. It is the fear, or rather the terror, that is the result of neglect and abuse.

Attached to one parent

Sometimes an adopted child appears to relate well to one parent but not to the other. Again it can be very easy to jump to the wrong conclusion. ‘She is good with her mother, but just does not relate to her father at all. Maybe he doesn’t spend enough time with her.’ ‘Maybe he needs to go on a parenting course.’ ‘Men just don’t have good social skills.’

The fact of the matter is that some children from severely disrupted backgrounds can only form a close attachment to one person. This can be emotionally draining for the parent with whom the attachment is formed and very difficult for the other. What both parents need at this point is recognition and support. It takes stamina to be the only caregiver for an extremely needy child and a lot of emotional maturity to cope with constant rejection.2

Other problems

These are just some of the many issues that adoptive parents can face with their children. Other problems can arise when dealing with health, education and other agencies. It can be edifying to sit and listen to adoptive parents talk about their encounters with schools, hospitals and the caring professions. Again there are questions that I would ask of those thinking of adopting:

‘How would you cope with teachers who see your child as “misbehaving” when in fact he or she is actually frightened or reacting to some past trauma?’ ‘How would you cope if the same teachers simply saw you as making excuses for your child’s supposed misbehaviour?’

‘What would you do if you come to the conclusion (after much thought and reflection) that your child would be better placed in a special school but the your education authority refuses to agree to this?’ ‘Could you cope financially and emotionally with taking your child’s case to a tribunal if necessary?’

‘What would you do if civil servants or others assume that because your child has learning difficulties you must have similar problems and speak to you in a simple, patronising manner?’

‘How would you cope if, having endured all this, someone says: “Adoption is a win/win situation. Children get the homes they need and you get the child you always wanted. Now your family is just like any other!”?’

Church?

In view of all this how can the church help? Allow me to make a few suggestions:

• Encourage those who are thinking of adopting to talk with as many adoptive parents as possible. Suggest they ask which adoption agency they recommend, what services are available locally and what the experience of adoptive parents has been.

• Suggest that they ask their adoption agency for the statistics regarding breakdown rates. For example, how many of the children that they have placed for adoption are still with those same parents five or ten years later?

• Do not assume that because children cannot consciously recall the neglect or abuse they have suffered, it does not affect them. If anyone you meet finds this hard to believe you can point out that there is now plenty of hard scientific research to show that it does.3

• Offer practical support if it is appropriate. The best and perhaps the only way to know if this is needed is to ask the parents.

Finally we need to do the most important thing of all, that is, to pray. Pray for the adopted children, their birth parents and adoptive parents. Pray for the churches of which they are part and pray for a nation where writing this article has been necessary.

john.steley@btinternet.com