On average, the police get a call every minute.
Most instances go unreported. It might be a husband screaming at a wife, a daughter lashing out at an elderly parent, a father punching a disabled adult son or a woman threatening her fearful partner – domestic abuse comes in many forms – but it’s always devastating to those involved. Around one in four women and one in six men are likely to experience such cruelty. Many children grow up scarred by hearing the pain unfold.
Coerced into silence
Some of those families are in our churches, but it’s arguably one of the most hidden problems. People simply don’t feel able to talk. Women are assaulted an average of 35 times before seeking help. Why? Because the abused are often coerced into silence, confused by feelings of love towards the one causing the pain or convinced they wouldn’t be believed. Abusers are equally reluctant to get support: sometimes they are blind to their actions, sometimes they are simply scared of what will come next.
Domestic abuse usually creeps into a family by stealth. Often it starts with one person’s over–desire to order life or find someone to blame when things go wrong. Soon it slips into them believing they have the right to have life just as they want and punish those who don’t comply, be that physically, emotionally or financially. And finally emerges a lifestyle of manipulation, fear and violence, and secret–keeping so not to ‘make things worse’.
Living as an abused person is desperately bleak. It’s a life of constant striving, persistent insecurity, social isolation and frequent lies to explain away the bruises or their unavailability for coffee yet again. For some, there is real danger of death – two women are killed each week by violent partners – for all, there is an erosion of identity that means it’s almost impossible to imagine life abuse–free.
You have to be good enough
It’s a theologically confusing place to be, too. Domestic abuse indoctrinates a person with the lie that you have to be good enough if you are going to avoid punishment. It becomes easy to believe that God thinks the same way. The doctrine of grace feels implausible. And then there are questions like: ‘does God condone this pain?’ Never does that ring louder than when Scripture is misused by the abuser: how awful when biblical teaching on headship is twisted to justify unbiblical control.
What the church can do
But there is plenty the church can do to help. From intercessions to marriage preparation there are opportunities to raise awareness and pray for those who struggle. In small groups we can affirm the biblical teaching on marriage while still acknowledging that sometimes it is right for family members to seek distance in order to promote safety and address serious concerns. We can confidently assert that abuse is wrong and never to be kept quiet, never to be minimised. Even the simple step of having a book on domestic violence on the bookstall or a helpline number on a noticeboard can encourage people to open up.
We can look out for those who are fearful – who panic if they break a cup – and gently come alongside. We can have safeguarding policies in place that help us take allegations seriously. We can help those struggling formulate an emergency plan.
While some who are being abused may want to change their situation instantly, others will require time. We can use that to explain grace and show that our identity comes from Christ, not from the opinions of others (Ephesians 1). We can talk of God’s power, a power made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). We can point people to their glorious Good Shepherd who will never abuse them in this life or the next (Psalm 23).
And for those who hurt others: we can be churches who aren’t scared of accountability groups where the wayward desires of human hearts can be brought to the cross. We can be churches who aren’t scared to involve authorities – with prayerful support alongside.
And as we do, hearts can change, hope can rise and, slowly, all those involved in domestic abuse can seek a different way of living. All to the glory of Jesus.
