Mike Peterson asks: ‘That missionary family might be smiling in the photo on your fridge, but is their marriage hanging by a thread?’
I winced as the lights suddenly cut off.
That was three nights in a row. My wife was on the verge of tears.
‘I can’t do this… I can’t do another night of no sleep!’ she moaned. She was sick of the heat and the lack of air circulation every time the power cut out. I should have hugged her, but I didn’t. I shot back: ‘You are lucky to have running water! Most of the people in El Salvador would love to have our circumstances!’
I knew it was wrong. I hoped she would feel guilty enough to just suck it up. Then my daughter’s voice rang out from the bathroom: ‘The water is out!’ I went from being a smug jerk to choking on humble pie.
One of the things that shocked me when we began in El Salvador was the number of missionaries struggling in their marriages. I was even more shocked when my own marriage began to suffer. We soon went from having two to three big fights a year to having two to three fights a day.
Many people put missionaries up on pedestals. The reality is that missionaries are just normal people. They have answered the call to leave everything to serve God, but they didn’t get to leave behind their selfish desires, annoying habits and personal struggles.
Nobody talks about how much pressure answering the call to mission puts on a marriage and few people understand the risk of their marriage imploding because they are on the field. What are the factors that cause marriages to fall apart and what can sending churches do about it?
1. Spiritual warfare
Most Christians pay lip service to spiritual warfare. Satan has a great plan to destroy a ministry with one blow. All he needs to do is infiltrate and destroy one relationship. If the marriage fails, the family splits. If the family splits, they leave the field. National Christians, supporters, fellow missionaries, and especially their children, are left with a shaken faith as they struggle to pick up the pieces.
What can you do? Missionary marriages are in Satan’s crosshairs. Note the following factors and you will see some of his strategies. Pray for your missionaries. Then pray for them some more.
2. Stress
A bad day can affect how we interact with our spouse. On the mission field every day is potentially a bad day. You know how your day goes if your power goes out, or your car won’t start or if you are getting over a stomach bug and have to plan your day around toilet locations. Add having to do all of these things in your second language while constantly looking over your shoulder to make sure you won’t get mugged and… well, you get the picture. Don’t you think you’d be pretty stressed out by the end of the day?
What can you do? Make sure that your missionaries can mitigate as many issues as possible. Make sure they have a car that won’t break down, that they live in a secure home and that they both have efficient cell phones. Find out what they need and send it to them if you can.
3. Long hours, large workloads
Many missionaries deal with life or death issues and all deal with people making choices with eternal implications. Many are burned out and exhausted by the poverty, abuse and brokenness they see daily, and they are always on call. Some live on ministry compounds and cannot separate home and work, even if they wanted to.
What can you do? Help your missionaries to come up with healthy limits on their involvement and on what hours they keep. Do not encourage a hero complex. Make sure they have time to spend with God themselves, and time to invest in their spouse and kids.
4. Temptation
‘The grass is always greener’, even on the mission field. A man is often idolised by the women he works with or serves, while his wife knows all of his shortcomings. She knows things aren’t as great as the newsletters portray. She starts to think she’s not as lucky as everyone says and those thoughts can mutate into nagging. Soon he becomes vulnerable to women who are amazed that he takes the time to talk to them. He begins to prefer their company.
Meanwhile, the wife may feel neglected as she struggles to manage the household in a land where simple things are a battle. At night she goes to bed alone as her husband works late yet again. She begins to find value in a relationship outside of her marriage.
What can you do? These situations can begin innocently. Your missionaries need trusted people in place who can detect when things are off balance and help with some accountability.
5. Guilt
Missionaries feel guilty for taking time out with their spouse. They know their supporters are sacrificing for them to be there and they feel they will be judged for using resources for a date night or vacation.
What can you do? They need permission to take the time off. Send them some extra money with the stipulation that they have to use it in the next month to take a weekend away together. Require them to have regular date nights as a condition of your support.
6. Financial struggles
Men want to provide for their family, and women have a need to feel secure. The unrealistic budgets that many missionaries survive on means that neither of these needs are being met. On the mission field you can’t pick up a side job because of ministry demands and visa restrictions. For women, the pressure may be compounded if she feels her children are unsafe or are receiving a substandard education.
What can you do? Make sure your missionaries are supported financially. Put yourself in their place. *
7. Missionary kid issues
Missionary kids face unique struggles that impact marriages. When your kids are homesick or depressed, everyone suffers. Nothing is more troubling for a woman than to hear her kids accuse her of ruining their lives by bringing them to the mission field. Some kids withdraw and rebel or become suicidal, others are always in trouble. Some families may be homeschooling; others may be battling the local school system trying to find something that works. Everyone is drained.
What can you do? Encourage your missionaries; make sure the whole family is prepared before they go and supported while they are there. Find out special things to do for the kids, and cut everyone some slack when they are home on furlough.
8. Too much family time
While some missionaries don’t get enough family time, some are in the opposite situation. They are together all day, every day.
What can you do? Think through transportation and housing needs and how they affect the family. Make sure the wife has independence if she desires and that they have adequate living space. Give them permission to wrestle through the changed family dynamics and remind them that it’s normal to struggle when family routines change.
9. Destructive ways of coping
With no good outlet to process and debrief, missionaries under pressure may turn to destructive coping mechanisms. Drug use, alcohol abuse, pornography, stress eating and self-pity are real on the mission field. Such things inevitably drive a greater wedge into a marriage.
What can you do? Make sure that your missionaries have people they can reach out to without feeling judged. They may be afraid to share transparently for fear of losing their financial support and finding themselves in a worse situation.
Missionaries are just normal, flawed people who have answered the call to live in very challenging situations. Think of all your issues and multiply them by ten. Satan wants missionary marriages to fail.
Every time you look at the smiling family on that refrigerator magnet, think about the issues they are facing. Lift their marriage up in prayer, and think about tangible ways to cheer them on to success. There is too much at stake. The mission they have been called to is far too important to fail.
Mike Peterson is president of the El Salvador Missionary Fellowship.
