Bitterness – it consumes those in its grip.
The jilted fiancée longing to make her ex look bad; the disgruntled employee fantasising about how to make his company pay; the former friend plotting to turn others against the one they used to trust – all because ‘it’s what they deserve’. Pain has been experienced and now the perpetrator must pay.
It’s not a struggle we tend to share in our times of prayer. As Christians we like to present as being above such traits. Still, many of us know individuals able to spend hours reliving past grievances from their perspective alone – at times, embellishing the facts – fuelling anger in the present and imagining vengeance to come. Some of us may be in that place right now.
Hidden root
The Bible calls bitterness a root (Hebrews 12.15): often hidden, but promoting the growth of other, more overt, sins. How often does anger or gossip, jealousy or discord, stem from its quiet poison? How tragically has unity been destroyed by those who refuse to let go of the past?
Bitterness grows in those who favour law over grace in distinctive ways. It is not the same as quietly affirming that an abuser should be punished for everyone’s good or praying for an adulterer to be confronted with their sin so they can repent and change. Those things are godly and wise – they result in restoration and hope. Bitterness takes pleasure in imagining the downfall of others. It desires destruction and pretends that is good.
People in pain
Sinful it may be, but rebuke is rarely the best place to begin. Those who harbour bitterness have often been subject to great pain. Comfort from the ‘God of all comfort’ (2 Corinthians 1.3-5) is the most constructive starting point. When people see that God cares deeply and will punish the guilty rightly (be that through giving them over to their sin, judging them on the last day or through the atoning substitution of Christ), it becomes easier to let go.
People can be scared that their experiences will be forgotten or cease to matter if they stop reliving them day-by-day. Reflecting on the story of Joseph can be helpful here. A catalogue of hurt dogged him throughout his early years – each incident shot through with injustice and pain – but none wasted in the plans of the living God. Setting aside bitterness isn’t a call to overlook or trivialise the past, but it is an invitation to view it through the lens of God’s good purposes and see how he has preserved, taught and brought beauty at every stage.
Precious children
For a few, pain has become their identity – the pursuit of vengeance an all-consuming drive. Here a chance to look at our status as precious children (Ephesians 1) can be brought to bear. Presenting people with a renewed vision of who they have been saved to be can transform the hardest of hearts. A look at the undeserved forgiveness we have all received can be humbling too. Encouraging people to be bowled over afresh by the wonder of grace can renew wayward minds. We can show that any demand for law (directed only at those considered enemies) is tantamount to turning to a different gospel – one that is no real gospel at all (Galatians 1).
With those building blocks prayerfully put in place, with the Spirit bringing to completion the good work he began (Philippians 1.6), the call to repentance is now likely to be heard. If people can’t find the phrases, encourage them to start with the Lord’s Prayer: ‘as we forgive those who sin against us’ are powerful words. Later, more specific prayers can be said. The decision to live life in the light of the cross rather than the legacy of hurt can be made (though wisdom may still need to be exercised over whether to resume contact with the perpetrator of pain). These prayers often need to be repeated: seventy times seven – as much as necessary – is the scriptural call (Matthew 18). But, as people move from unforgiveness to faith, from looking back to looking on, the bitter root is progressively replaced with the sweetness of holiness and the fruits of love, humility and hope begin to grow.
