Promises are meant to be kept. Close relationships are designed to be safe. Husbands or wives aren’t supposed to watch pornography behind their spouse’s back. Friends should be able to trust each other with sensitive news. And, thankfully, many relationships are wonderfully safe – not perfect, of course – but places where trust can be given and received without fear.
For some, however, trust has been shattered, relationships are a place of betrayal – far from a place of security.
Betrayal hurts because it breaks a bond. Whether it’s the covenant of marriage that is crushed by one partner seeking sexual gratification elsewhere, or the unity of the church ripped apart by gossip or bullying, betrayal takes something that was meant to be a whole and brings division. It leaves in its wake a sense of shock (‘I can’t believe they would do that’), deep pain (‘I thought they loved me’), profound confusion (‘How do I go forward from here?’), and often isolation (‘Maybe I can’t trust anyone any more’).
It’s not a new phenomenon: Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers (Genesis 37); King David’s son Absalom mounted a coup against his dad (2 Samuel 15); and Paul was deserted by the church at one of his trials (2 Timothy 4). Even Jesus felt the pain of a friend selling him to the chief priests for 30 pieces of silver (Matthew 26).
Getting practical
But how do we help those whose lives have been blighted by betrayal? How can we encourage them not to give in to the three big temptations of bitterness, withdrawal, or despair?
As ever, the place to begin is to listen – we can’t hope to apply God’s word well if we don’t know what’s really going on. As they speak, we can empathise with their experiences and embody the Romans 12 call to ‘weep with those who weep’ – if one person in the body is hurting, others should feel a little of that pain.
An often-missed step is to show the person who has been betrayed just how much God hates the way they have been treated. Sin is abhorrent to God so showing, maybe from the Old Testament prophets, just how God views any infidelity can be a liberating act. Similarly, it can be tempting to skip grieving what has been lost: whether the spouse or friend has physically left or the relationship is ongoing but in a state of distress, there will be mourning to do. Intimacy has been swept away and both lamenting and receiving God’s words of comfort (from the Psalms) are right responses.
Fallout
As much as we like to think our human relationships don’t impact our relationship with God, they often do – it’s easy to project blame onto the one who is sovereign and allow a human betrayal to erode our trust in Him. The road to recovery must always be rooted in trusting the Lord more – and growing through betrayal is a chance to see afresh that God is the only one who can never fail.
If possible, a time of restoration with the one who has betrayed can helpfully come next. Some betrayals change things long term – an embezzler won’t be reinstated as treasurer, a child abuser won’t resume helping in Sunday School – even with repentance, boundaries must remain. But, where appropriate, attempting restoration – usually with additional accountability and support and probably more times of repentance when things don’t go smoothly at first – can be a beautiful time.
Forgiveness?
Whether restoration is possible or not, encouraging a slow and steady walk towards forgiveness cannot be ducked. This isn’t a topic for the early days (people will imagine you don’t care if you introduce it too soon), but it will need to come. Forgiveness doesn’t mean having boundaries so low that the offence is likely to happen again, but it does mean trusting the Lord’s Prayer call to treat the undeserving with grace.
All this, undertaken prayerfully and in a community where others unswervingly model what trustworthy living should be, can help people persevere through the betrayal and move to a place where they can trust appropriately once more.
