A Christian grandad has just returned from a weekend with his "clan". His children are all Christians, married to great Christian spouses and he adores his grandkids. He knows he is blessed indeed. He wanted to have a quiet word with me: “It was chaos! I can’t see how modern parenting methods can work. The parents aren’t in charge.”
Church is a place where we can compare and discuss different generations’ styles of parenting. It might not be a common or simple conversation. Most of us would walk away from a conversation about our parenting style feeling awash with insecurity, judgement and fear! My friend, the Christian grandad, remembers being obeyed the first time he gave a command. Smacking was a part of his armoury, so were big bear hugs and family Bible times. In his day, it would have been normal for children to feel an element of fear when their father confronted them over their behaviour.
Gentle parenting
Today, young parents with their children in nappies are hearing about Gentle Parenting, and if they’re not hearing about it, they are breathing it in because none of us stand totally apart from the culture we are in. Gentle Parenting stands for empathy, calm discussions with your child and never the threat of punishment. The goal is for the child to make their own decisions and to understand their own desires. The parent is the narrator and the encourager. The small fly in the ointment is sin. Social commentators are noticing that this generation of parents have to clench their teeth and vibrate their knee to keep themselves from screaming in absolute frustration. Their children are not working off the same agenda. They are not so empathetic with their siblings. They do not gently share; they snatch, whack and shout. It will always be a shock to a parent the first time they see their little angel push over the other kid or hear them brazenly lie.
We can all see where this latest parenting fad has come from. We understand more about the long-term effect of parenting on the child; some of us feel it daily. We are clearer that our sense of self is rooted in our early experience of belonging. If we were offered stable, loving, care (with boundaries and consequences) then we are more likely to be secure as adults. If our earliest years feature Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) without the stability of loving parents to help support us through the trauma then negative outcomes are more likely. Gentle Parenting is perhaps a reaction against the “a child should be seen and not heard” model of parenting.
Biblical parenting
The challenge for the Christian is to hold onto the Biblical framework for parenting, able to critique whatever the current fad is. We worship the One who brings us close to call him Father. He is in authority and yet we have value because of the love He has placed on us. We trust Him, certain that He plans good for us. We look in the consequences of our actions for His loving discipline, knowing that while He gives us the freedom to make our choices, He will not forsake His children to the fruit of their worst desires. Instead, over time He is working through His word, through His Spirit, through our churches and through every other detail of our lives to complete the good work He has begun in us.
As God is in authority over us, we are to be in authority over our children. As He loves us with constant grace and forgiveness, we are not to exasperate our children. They do not exist for our comfort. Parenting will involve sacrifice revealing our selfishness (and many other sins!). The goal of parenting is not our child’s comfort or protection from all adversity. May our goal for our children be the same as Jesus’ goal for them - that they live lives to the full under the Lordship of Christ.
