Manage your emotions better: be M.A.D...

Do you remember what happened when the teacher left the class? The naughty kids went bonkers, and the quiet ones hid in the corners!

Unsupervised emotions behave like unsupervised kids. They play up or give up. The relevant research shows that people who are unaware of their emotions are more prone to anger and physical and mental illness, and less able to relate well to others.

Like children, our emotions are a God-given blessing and designed to be seen and heard. Our emotions illuminate, motivate and enhance our relationships, but they are also changeable, irrational and polluted by sin. They are not dissimilar to the average toddler—would you want a two-year-old to tell you what to do?

Parenting our emotions

To be a fruitful Christian, we need to intentionally parent our emotions so they’re neither ignored nor allowed to rule the roost.

When my daughter was tiny, she made an enormous fuss in a supermarket. I presumed she was begging for sweets! But the fuss kept going. When I took a proper look, I saw the drawing pin in her foot. I’d completely misread her communication. She was begging for help.

Like a child’s cries, painful feelings are designed to grab our attention. We hurt where we care. Anxiety about my kids or sadness at the loss of a friend reflects my love, self-doubt shows I want to do well, and anger shows I care about injustice. But as flawed people, we often care about the wrong things. If we want to glorify God, sometimes we have to let our emotions make a fuss while we get on and do the right thing. Painful emotions need to be noticed, understood and then intentionally managed.

Being okay with feeling bad

We need to tolerate our distress rather than unconsciously obeying our feelings. We need to learn how to be okay with feeling bad! So, how do we do that?

Nobody likes feeling bad, but the plot twist is… feeling bad is not the problem. The problem is the fruitless or sinful things we do to feel good again.

What do you do in times of stress or when you feel bad? I’ve grouped the popular options under three headings, making the acronym MAD!

M: Mind activities. Overthinking, worrying, to-do lists, ruminating.
A: Avoidance. Avoiding activities, people or places to escape anxiety.
D: Distraction. Eating, buying, cleaning, gaming, porn, scrolling, working, substance abuse, venting on others.

Even religious behaviours like church duties, Bible study and prayer can steal our joy if used to feel better about ourselves.

Instead of trying to get rid of or avoid our painful feelings or unwanted desires, we can intentionally manage them using these three easy skills.

1. Notice the sensations
   
   Bring to mind something that will arouse negative emotion.
   
   Where in your body do you notice a reaction? What does it feel like? How would you describe it to a child?
   
   Paying careful attention to bodily sensations is the first step to better managing your emotions and improving resilience. Start by noticing physical sensations like hunger and pain if emotions feel too difficult.
   
2. Name the feeling
   
   Bring to mind another situation that will arouse a difficult emotion.
   
   Pay attention to your bodily sensations, notice that you are feeling something, and then label it with words. Perhaps say, “I am noticing frustration or jealousy or hurt”. If you’re unsure, simply say, “I am noticing emotional pain” or “I’m noticing some hard feelings in my chest” or “some discomfort I’d rather escape”.
   
   Practise labelling emotional sensations. Start with the small things so that when the big emotional storms come, the necessary skills will be well practised. Notice when you feel irritated at a traffic light or impatient in a queue.
   
   Naming bodily sensations will dramatically improve your ability to act wisely in the face of emotional or physical pain. Naming a feeling switches on your rational abilities. It’s like bringing the teacher back into the room.
   
3. Watch the feeling
   
   Now that you’re noticing and naming the feelings in your body, the next step is to tolerate the emotional discomfort.
   
   Think once more of a situation in the past or present that will arouse a negative emotion.
   
   Notice and label it.
   
   Next, focus your attention on the area of your body where you feel the strongest sensations. If you can’t feel anything, notice what it feels like to be numb.
   
   If you feel a bodily reaction, ask yourself some questions:

• Is the feeling in just one place or in many parts of your body?
• How wide, high and low does the feeling stretch?
• Does it have a colour or a shape?
• Is it pounding or still?
• Is it on the surface of your body, or does it go all the way through you?
  
  Can you allow this feeling to be there? You don’t have to like it! Take notice of a few breaths. Notice what you can hear, see and smell, and then return to the feeling.

Learning to experience a painful emotion with curiosity is a skill most people need to practise. It’s worth it, though, as better managing your emotions will leave more energy to worship God and serve others.